Pissed Ice Queen

I’m pissed at my husb.  He’s pissed at me.  It’s the story of our lives right now. We had a fight last night, for like 4 hours of him bitching about how I’m an Ice Queen. 

I don’t show him any “love” and don’t even want to try.   He claims that we love spending time together and have no problem there but it’s the bedroom that is lacking. In order to feel love and appreciated, he needs that.  The doctors said no sex since I was 9 weeks due to bleeding.  He hit my cervix and it bled.  Then I had the surgery to stitch my cervix closed since I almost lost the baby so no more sex.  The appt with Dr S when I was 21 weeks, husb asked if we could do it now, doc said ”there is a risk for infection and the stitches are sharp, you might get hurt.”  Husb still wanted to try.  You dumb ass, I’m not risking this baby for your man-needs!  So he backed off.  He still wanted “kisses” without giving me my back rub and I refused, trying to show him that if I’m not gonna get some love too, then forget it.  Why does it have to be about what he wants. 

He says to compromise.  I’m not compromising the health of my baby.  I’m don’t want to risk getting an infection, going into preterm labor, and being forced to deliver this baby now.  She’ll be on a ventilator with IV lines and feeding tubes. He says she’s viable, things will work out.  What the hell?!  I sometimes wonder if he even cares whether or not we have a child together. He says “if it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t meant to be.”  That kind of attitude, get’s NO LOVE.

He says he’s been with me through all my depression caused by infertility and the miscarriages.  That he’s been supportive, more like telling me I need to chill out and that I’m crazy.  He’s been patient with this process and feels like he’s not getting any of the love back.  Excuse me, who was there through all the crap with Dom and his bio-mom, who was there to help him with a lot of other shit that he was stressing out about.   He got what he wanted, his son.  Now I want my daughter.  I have been stressing out about this pregnancy from the beginning and he thinks an orgasm is what I need to feel better.  WHAT I NEED is my daughter to be born healthy and alive.  WHAT I NEED is a husb that understands that if I say I want a massage to make me feel better, then that’s what I should get instead of having to fight over the fact that I’m limiting myself since the doc never said I couldn’t get some “kisses” of my own.  I don’t want “kisses” because I don’t want contractions!  He thinks that’s why the shots are done to keep away the contractions. But orgasmic contractions can’t be stopped!

He keeps making it about what he thinks is best.  I should just listen to him.  He won’t steer me wrong.  Yeah, right.  If I end up in the hospital and they ask what happened, like a dumb ass, I’ll have to say we did x-y-z which was against doctor’s orders. No way.  I’ll listen and make my own conclusion.  I’m not gonna follow someone that doesn’t really know about how the body works. He’s so willing to take chances it’s scary. Too scary.

I have no desire to do anything sexual, but he keeps insisting I do it for him.  What he’s suggesting, I won’t mention, but I am so against and completely repulsed by the thought.  But if I do it for him then at least he’ll be happy.  NO. I may be a bad wife for not compromising, but I’ll be damned if I do something that I really don’t want to do to. It’s like him saying it would really make him happy if I jumped off a bridge and I don’t mean bungee style.  Should I do it because he’ll be happy? We all do things we don’t want to do to please our mates, but come on!  There has to be a limit. I have done enough compromising during this fertility process. I’ve compromised my feeling of womanhood my pride, and my sense of normalcy! I have to deal with watching his child grow up and wondering if I’ll ever have my own.

We’re so close to having this baby, I’m 26w3d along. Why change something if it’s working.  The regimen that I’m on now is working fine, why introduce new and possibly problematic things?!

He’s leaving tomorrow for his 10 day trip.  Counseling would be good when he comes back.

25 weeks and counting…

Last week was a busy one, my husband’s cousin was coming to town for business but wanted to hang with us for a few days.  So we had a hell-of-a time getting the guest room ready for her.  The house was a mess for like 2 days trying to go through what we don’t need and reorganize.  Since we’re renting rooms from my folks, it doesn’t always make for lots of space to put our things.  My parents have been great letting us save tons of $ for our infertility treatments and our future dream home. Anyway, I was packing stuff in big plastic bins and my husb had to put them in storage.  I think I packed at least 6 bins full.  But the guest room was beautiful when finished and there’s tons of space for MeMe now.  Also, pops was painting the kitchen and left the downstairs a mess, so thankfully mom cleaned that for me. 

We took our cousin shopping and to the County Fair to walk around and get some of that yummy fair food.  Very fun! But all that walking made me almost need to be carried home!  My feet were burning. Husb was walking too fast at times and I had to yell at him to slow down. He calls me “roley poley” and said that while I was walking, it was the first time I really looked pregnant.  He was soooo proud and keeps rubbing my tummy. Cousin said I still look heavier than normal, but could get away with not looking pregnant.  The only thing is that I wish I got something personalized like engraving or airbrushing, but there’s always next year.

I had an appt. with Dr. S.  on Monday, this time I went by myself.  BP great with weight up 4 lbs in 4 weeks (I weigh as much now as I weighed at 16 weeks with the twins). Dr. S. checked MeMe’s heartbeat via US and she gave us another shot of her bottom.  Definitely a girl.  He left it up to me to check my cervix.  Yes, please.  So he used the coochie-cam and could see it’s still long and closed measuring a good 4 cm.  He’s very pleased at my progress and told me to continue light activity.  I asked if I could go back to my regular OB after 28 weeks and he said that at this point there is less chance of complications and that it’s totally up to me.  He is comfortable letting me go.  I’m going to have one more appt. on 7/23 at 28w4d and do another 1 hr glucose screen, which I passed the first time.  Dr S is awesome, but these appts are boring and the drive down there is not fun, especially if I’m gonna be doing it every 2 weeks until the stitches are cut. I’d rather see Dr M and know that I will deliver at the hospital I work at which is very close to the house. If I stay with Dr S, I would have to go to a hospital like 45 miles down south where I had my cerclage done.  I only want to go there if I deliver super early (like between now and 30w). 

So with all this cleaning and painting, it got me and husb really wanting to set down some roots and buy a house.  I want us to move northeast where the houses are big and cheap, but he wants to stay here by the beach.  If we move up and out, I would have a 30-35 mile commute and can always drop MeMe off here so mom could watch her.  If we stay here, my commute is like 5 minutes and the convenience of seeing grandma and grandpa all the time is great.  But I think we can still drive down here on the weekends or they can come see us since it’s not like we’ll be 2 hrs away.  I will need my mom to watch the baby at least once a week due to my and husb’s work schedules.  So, I’ve been daydreaming and drooling over these fabulous houses and husb wants to keep checking around here where the houses are smaller, older, and expensive.  Boo! 

Husb finally b0ught his plane ticket, but he’s going alone.  He decided it was best to leave Dom behind with his mom, especially if he might be sick.  But I also think it’s because he wants one last freedom-trip before baby comes.  As long as he doesn’t do anything stupid that will cost us $$, then I’m cool with it.  He’ll be gone for 10 days.  During the time he’s gone, my aunt is coming to stay here and I’ll be doing some driving tours with her.  This is her first time in the U.S and in California, so it’ll be fun taking her around. Plus I don’t think she knows I’m pregnant so she’ll get a nice surprise.  My mom has been tight lipped about it, but finally told 2 of her friends at work.

One last thing, mom gave me my 17-P shot yesterday and hit a blood vessel.  I bled all over my new white/grey dress.  She freaked out, but it finally stopped. It was the first time she’s done that in years so I think it hurt her pride.  It’s okay, the medicine is in and that’s all that matters.

1-7 reasons to love 17-P

17-p = 17-hydroxyprogesterone caproate. A synthetic progesterone mixed in a thick greasy oil that I inject every week.  Good stuff.  Oh, 17-P, I love thee and here is why:

1. It makes for a relaxed and happy uterus = no PTL.

2. It keeps my cervix from shortening.

3. Baby gets to keep growing in a safer environment = finally have a viable baby!

4. The soreness and twinges of pain that accompany every shot (no matter where I put it) = no pain no gain!

5. Itchy ass-cheeks from all the injections back there. Very irritating to the tissues (I’m scratching right now).

6. It is something to look forward to every week which means a week closer to term.

7. I know I’m doing and enduring what’s best for my baby.

Here’s a belly pic at 24w1d

Now if only I could get rid of these hip joint/groin pains. Then I’d be rrrreeeealllllly happy.

23 weeks of glamour

Yay 23 weeks!  Keep ‘em coming. MeMe is kicking more often and I’m super hungry most of the time.  I drink water like crazy thinking the hunger is actually thirst, but it’s not enough.  Belly button is flat now, hasn’t popped yet.  Lots of discharge which Dr. S told me will happen especially because of the cerclage. Waking every 2 hours again to pee at night and can’t seem to get comfortable in bed sometimes.  I sleep surrounded by pillows but it’s not quite right.  I get hot flashes at night and have to sleep with fan on me.  I sleep better during the day like I used to when I was working night shift! I don’t see Dr. S for another 2 weeks (6/29), it’s amazing how these weeks go by and I’m not freaking out as badly.

 Husb and I went shopping for our kids on Saturday and came home with lots of clothes.  It’s funny to say “our kids” meaning his son and our daughter.  We found tons of cute outfits on clearance (woohoo!) at Burlington Coat Factory. Husb was so happy and excited looking at all the cute little outfits and baby clothes.  He kept grabbing things to buy.  So cute! It also gave us a chance to browse at all the stuff that are associated with babies.  That is big business! So many styles of playards, floor mats, bottles, bouncers, etc.  We even found this really cute Baby’s First Medicine Cabinet thingy.  I thought it was pretty cool.  We looked at the stuff, but didn’t buy yet.  I’m not mentally ready to buy stuff like that until we get to at least 28 weeks.

We found some shirts and shorts for Dom at another store thanks to $50 of free money given by my mom and MIL for Dom’s 7th  B-day. He’s growing out of everything so we had to buy a size bigger so he’ll have some time to grow into them and they look like Big Boy clothes. No more Spider-Man or Batman outfits, these clothes are manly.  It’s a weird feeling when a child is growing up in front of you and you miss most of it.  We don’t see him daily like his mom does.  He’s only with us 3/4 weekends a month and every other week in the summer and whatever the holiday schedule is.  Sometimes we won’t see him for 2 weeks and it’s like “my goodness, you’ve gotten big!”  People weren’t kidding about kids growing up fast!

I’m also super happy that the new season of True Blood started.  Every sunday brings new joy in MANY ways!  Can’t wait to be “glamoured” by the show every week!

Freakin’ libido!

My husb’s freakin libido is driving me crazy! We can’t bump and grind because of the cerclage and my irritable cervix, so guess what that means…months and months of “kisses”. So I can’t get mine because orgasms are bad for high-risk pregnancies. I had one in my sleep and my uterus hurt like hell, freaked me out! So I have to suppress any urge or desire for that kinda lovin. My husb gets to have all the orgasms he can stand, must be nice. So all that feel-goodness should make him happy right? Hell no, because it’s not me making it happen, selfish bastard! The only thing I ask for to make me feel good is a massage and he keeps putting it off, “I’ll give you one tomorrow”. No massage = no kisses. Fair is fair.

So instead of getting my massage, husb does lots of housecleaning (dishes, laundry, vacuuming) and makes dinner which is great-n-all, but it ain’t my massage so don’t think any kisses are happening. I can do all that house crap on my own. What bothers me most is that my back hurts from carrying all these inflated milk ducts around and its like he’s just wondering when his next orgasm will be. At this point, I should hire a whore just to get him to leave me alone and a male maid to cook/clean plus give me my massages. Freakin’ libido!

New disease…shopaholism

Shopaholic Graphics | Shopper’s Paradise ! ShopWhiz.com

I’ve become a shopaholic ever since I’ve stopped working and sit at home all day.  The first 1.5 weeks after my surgery, I didn’t want to leave the house.  Then I would only go to the store on the days that I had appointments since I was already out of the house. Now I find myself going to the store out of boredom or the intense desire to buy something for MeMe.  When I shop, I am quick about it.  I hate standing up for more than 30 min because I feel the weight of my uterus.  My insides don’t get sore like they did the first days post-op.  I buy stuff, sit down, then go buy some more.  Even now, I’m fighting the urge to go to a store. 

 I even bought some maternity clothes online, well,  more like bigger sized clothes for when I get bigger.  I even got a fetal doppler (I got that at 16 weeks) on Ebay.

I’m trying not to buy junk that won’t benefit me, MeMe or the family.  We’re supposed to saving money.  My disability checks will last for up to a year and it is equal to my regular checks, so there is no loss of income.  But I can’t help the urge to get out and shop.

18 week belly pic

 

Husb is loving the big belly and thinks I’m hot.  I like that he likes it, but I still can’t give him any lovin’, poor guy.  Boobs still kinda sore and growing.  I think I measured up to a F cup. I’ve been packing away all my cute clothes that are too small and sending them into storage (hopefully I’ll see them again by Dec after getting some workout time in).  In the meantime, starting to get a little stir crazy being at home most of the time.  I’ve been rearranging things in my bedroom and getting the clothes I bought for the baby all organized.  Thinking good thoughts about baby being born in > 4 months. 

 I should be getting some great detailed pics of gummy bear from the ultrasound on Tues. Even my SIL is dying to know if we have a boy or girl in there!

16 weeks…HALLELUAH!

Gummy bear is now 16 weeks. FANTASTIC acheivement!

Authorized to be officially be considered “HIGH RISK” so I have an appt. to see a new peri at UCSD 4/27 @ 10am.  From there, we should get to see baby again and know when to get stitched.  Maybe sometime this week. I have another appt. on 5/7 to see the NP at the same care center.  I am so glad the HMO realized I am not one to be messed with!

There is a free seminar on High-Risk Pregnancies being held on 4/30 by the docs I’m gonna be seeing so that’ll be some really good information, especially about how they treat high-risk stuff, the hospital and their NICU.  I think my mom and I are gonna go, husb. has a class that night. 

I’ve been at peace for the last 2 weeks with the baby and the outcome.  I was originally dreading this time in my preg. but I feel so much calmer about it.  Husb is getting excited about finding out whether baby has a hot dog or a bun. I told him we could find out in the next 2 – 4 weeks. I’m happy I’m off work for the next 2.5 weeks and told my bosses I might not be coming back depending on what the doc says (more like the amount of convincing I do!).  Some of my coworkers wanted to throw like a party or something, but I said they can throw me a party the closer I get to my due date.  I promised to waddle into work, big belly-n-all.

Still waiting…15 weeks

 

Called to check up on the referral and see if the authorization has been approved or denied or whatever.  They gave me a referrence number to call back with and told me my file was under “NURSE REVIEW” so the decision should be made either by tomorrow or couple more days. 

I can feel my uterus getting heavier so gummy bear is growing strong.  Baby should be about 4-5 inches long now, swimming and doing backflips in there. Occasional pulling and abdominal soreness when standing for a while. No spotting or stange discharge.  Bigger boobs than I can handle so I look funny in my regular clothes. I did some shopping for bigger shirts but still gonna need bigger skirts and shorts.

There’s been a weird heat wave over the last couple of days and it’s terrible.  It’s too hot to sleep during the day and too hot in the evenings.  It almost feels like the tropical weather I experienced in Ghana in 2004 and that is tough to match! Stifling heat and humidity make me feel yucky and I spent a large part of that trip sleep deprived because of the heat. Me and the air conditioner have become best friends.  Ice cream is also my new best friend.  Gummy bear loves it too.