Secret’s out

 

Now that I am 12 weeks and feel pretty good about the pregnancy (no more pink spotting or bleeding), I decided to tell some people at work.  Partly because my work is physically demanding and I want people to give me a break (no infectious patients). Also, I wanted to share my joy and hope with others.  Good positive vibes! I told one person I was close to while at work and then told a group at the same time when 10 of us went out for breakfast.  I haven’t done anything social like that since Alicia’s baby shower.  I guess I feel less nervous about gummy bear and more nervous about any upcoming interventions. Still haven’t felt 100% on any decision and I want to make one that I am comfortable with.  For now, I am comfortable telling folks I’m pregnant.  My brother and his girlfriend found out last Sunday, let’s just say my bro wasn’t too happy that he didn’t know but very happy for another chance to be an uncle. 

The other secret is that my bro and his girl are moving in together, so next comes marriage, moving back to Cali and a hopefully baby carriage.  Fantastic!  Overall, she’s cool to chat with, not snooty or trashy.  Fun-loving and outgoing, so good pic for my bro.  I just think that everything shouldn’t be all peaches and roses all the time because then it ain’t a real relationship. Sometimes you need some turmoil to really know a person.

So back to the baby decisions: What to do….

We were originally soooo sure I needed a cerclage. But if an incompetent cervix didn’t cause my water to break, what did?  And how can we stop it?  I can’t go through that again and I can’t go through not doing everything we can to keep baby safe.  The cerclage can work miracles and cause issues.  And the more I read about how putting in the stitch after the cervix starts to shorten the more it freaks me out.  The risk is much higher to wait because baby is heavier and the sac could get ripped or already be opened leading to an infection.  I don’t want that either.  I have like 2-3 weeks to put it in.  But in my line of work, I’ve seen how a simple procedure could snowball into much bigger problems due to accidents or infections.  For example, my abnormal PAP smear turned into two LEEP procedures which turned into getting pelvic inflammatory disease and a possible incompetent cervix.  What the hell…

IUI#2…complete

Well it took forever to get to this point but finally the deed is done.  On cd 17  and cd 18, we did back to back IUIs.

On 1/19 (cd 16) our ultrasound showed a 21 mm follicle and 27 mm cyst/follicle (still weren’t sure) on the right ovary with 11.5 mm uterine lining.  Hormones looked good, so I did a ovidrel trigger that night.  I had my mom give me that shot, last time I did it and it hurt like hell.  This time was no problem.

1/20 (most historic day ever!) we dropped off the goodies and did the IUI 3 hours later.  I had some spotting and light cramps afterwards, but it was tolerable.

1/21 – another ultrasound showed 2 follicles collapsed, so there is a slight chance of twins again.  Uterine lining had ovulatory changes and free fluid was in my abdomen so more evidence of ovulation occuring.  Some pelvic soreness early in the morning and in my right lower quadrant, but not as bad as last time = It felt like someone kicked on my left side. So dropped off the goodies again and did the IUI 3.5 hours later. 

I took 3 Doxycycline pills to keep from getting an infection and this morning I start with the progesterone suppositories.  I really look forward to the gooey pasty stuff in my panties.

We spent also two nights in a hotel to be closer to the clinic since it is normally about 26 miles away from our house.  Kinda like taking a mini vacation  But gotta go back to work tonight. I’m not saying a word to the folks @ work.  People at work got too involved in what was going on in my uterus, especially after my husband accidently announced that we were having twins!

I did a lot of resting and kicking back these last two days so now is the two-week-wait.  We can test on 2/4/08, two days after husband’s birthday.  If God grants us this miracle, we’ll have a baby due around the time of our wedding anniversary in October. We are praying long and hard for that blessing.  Waiting is tough, but patience is key.  I’ll just keep playing my Nintendo DS until testing day.

Our NP was super nice, supportive, and explained things very well during the IUIs and the whole monitoring process. The one thing that keeps ringing in my ears that she said was “swim boys and girls, swim!”

Still cycling – IUI cd11

Well here were are on day cd11 and meds are not quite right yet. It seems like this cycle may be as long as the last time.  Last IUI in 2007 (gave me a BFP) we didn’t do the IUIs until cd17 and cd18.

So far… 1/6 cd 3 looked good – old cyst from when I last ovulated on right ovary, good antral count

cd3 to cd10 = Follistim 75iu SC

us on 1/12 cd 9 = showed 11mm and 12mm follie on right and lots of 7mm on left. 7 mm uterine lines

1/14 cd 11 = 17mm follie on right <could be combo of last two follies> with few 7 mm (7 total), and lots of 7 mm on left (7 total), but E2 was not good enough so upped dose to 100iu of follistim SC. 8 mm uterine lines.  I’m thinking they want more mature follies since I’m barely stimming.

Last time only needed 50 for over a week then 75 for few days and got my twins! This time, my ovaries are a little more stubborn, but I wonder if the thyroid stuff has anything to do with it? I know they know what they’re doing and they are taking it slowly so we’re being as patient as we can.  We were hoping that the IUI would be this weekend, but it seems more like next Monday. Which means our tww would end right on or after my husb.’s birthday.

We’ll see.  I’ve been trying to predict this cycle and pray that I don’t have OHSS, but now I’m praying they don’t cancel the cycle.

New Year, New Day, New Cycle

Let’s make this year a good one!

Happy Angel Day Angeline and Augustin!

It has been exactly one year since we lost the the twins.  They were sadly born and died 1/9/08. I can’t believe time has gone so quickly, I still get flashbacks every now and then of events leading to their demise.  I wanted to commemorate each day of events leading to today by inflating a white balloon with scripture on each.  I opted to put scripture on one, but still inflate the balloons so that today we can let them go.  Symbolic…from 1/4 to 1/9 of fear, disbelief, decision, despair, anguish, and sadness. And that today I would somehow let some of that go by letting go of the balloons in their honor.  Plus the balloons are flying up to heaven with them. We’ll lay low tonight and light candles in their honor.

My husband and I decided to start a new IUI cycle this month after getting the green light from my recent labwork.  TSH = 1.5, great for conception!  We patiently waited for my period to start and low and behold, it started on 1/4/09  (a year ago that date my water broke @ almost 16 weeks).  We went for our baseline ultrasound on day 3 which was 1/6 and uterus/ovaries/labs looked good so the NP said it was okay to start taking my follistim 75 iu.  Last time we started @ 50 iu, but she said that I responded slowly, so they upped the dose.  I just pray that my ovaries don’t respond too much.  One embryo is fantastic, twins are nice, but triplets are super high risk with my weak cervix.

I got great news regarding the meds. My husband’s insurance is so freaking wonderful that $700 worth of injectibles was only $15.  How awesome is that!  So I’m excited and nervous at the same time.  But my resolution was to be more positive and I am thinking very positively.  Plus we’ll do it again.  We are so eager to have a child together, we keep playing the name game.   I think we’ll have a boy (chinese gender chart), but if we have a boy and girl or boy/boy we have names.  He wants a girl, if we have two girls we have names too.  “But what about…”  My husband likes finding names.

I’ m trying not to have too much pride that I will get my BFP because I don’t want to jinx it. We know I can get pregnant, my body needs help with hormones.  We also know I can carry two babies for up to 4 months with no help, so this time we are getting help with a cerclage.  I have a new OB-Gyn (Dr. M) on board who will refer me to the same Perinatologist (Dr. D) that I saw in the hospital (we trust him).  Knowledge is power and sometimes ingnorance is bliss.  But this time I love the knowledge.

I have an appointment with RE on 1/12 and 1/14 and that will determine when the IUI will be.  Hopefully next weekend so that the tww will be done by my husband’s birthday.  What a great present that would be! God willing…

Sad today 1/23/08

Super sad today, it has been 2 weeks since we lost our twins (born/died at 16 weeks on 1/9/08) and it’s still killing me.  The memory of the events of that day haunt me every once in a while and I keep thinking about how I’m supposed to explain it to people (like I really care what they think).  My kids meant the world to me.  It took 2 years to make them and 4 months to grow them healthy, then lose them simply because my OB was busy and didn’t look at my cervix on the ultrasound.  Grrrr!!!!  Anyway, I have decided to memorialize the pregnancy as well as the babies.  Angeline and Augustin, I’ll love you forever, sweeties!

 Pregnancy memories:

1.  Lots of hormone shots for like 2 weeks in my belly
2. Lots of ultrasounds and lab draws (my poor veins)
3. Lots of trips to fertility center (24 miles each way) 
4. Stayed in a hotel to have IUI done
5. The horrible 2 week wait and bought a plant to occupy my time
6. Felt lightheaded while cooking before I found out + or -
7. Totally excited that IUI worked and found out on voicemail!
8. Called and told all close friends and family about the pregnancy
9. Got the best sleep ever for first 3 weeks, yucky suppositories
10. First baby pics at 6 weeks with 2 heartbeats (TWINS)
11. Next baby pics at 7 weeks, looking good
12. Had to wait until 10 weeks to see OB/gyn, grrr! (Babies looked good)
13. Nausea and vomiting started around 8 weeks – must eat every 3 hours!
14. Super hungry!
15. Nausea got better at 12 weeks and now really feeling good
16. Holidays and birthday with no alcohol!  Best birthday ever!
17. Treated like a superstar at work (hey everyone, she’s having twins!)
18. 15 weeks check up was rushed since MD running late, noticed BP going up and UTI (belly hurt after I went to pee)
19. Clothes didn’t fit, time for new wardrobe and went on shopping spree
20. Noticed some pink spots before work, but not too much
21. Worked all night with little help, needed to sit down a lot
22. Went home tired, woke up from sleep with constant wet underwear
23. Worried! Very worried. Waited to see if undies get saturated
24. Cooked pork chops with mixed veggies and mashed potatoes
25. Slightly wet undies, but felt something coming out – WATER BROKE!

Worst feeling in my life to know I was losing the babies and that I probably couldn’t stop it.  But the worst was yet to come and I’m still feeling it.