Another unfortunate anniversary

It’s been a year since I lost “Adrien”. Damn, time flies.  Adrien was a true miracle.  No ovulation tests, no watching my mucus, no temping, no monitoring of my cycle whatsoever.  I hadn’t done that since 2005.  It was nice to know that I ovulated on my own.  I was also nice to know that my husb and I can make a baby the old-fashion way (saved us thousands).

But Adrien was not meant to be. Adrien was a chemical pregnancy.  Adrien came to us and was gone in a week.  Today, a year ago, I was bleeding like a period, went to the urgent care center and found my hcg level to be down to <2 with nothing showing on the ultrasound. 

Dear Adrien, you were a dream.  I’m sorry you could not stay and be realized.  Instead, God wanted you in heaven with your brothers.

It’s all good…

On 2/10/09,  Beta # 3 = 1138. Doubling time 1.4 days (34 hours). AWESOME kiddo!

Finally met Dr. M today and she is super cool. We had a nice long discussion about my obstetrical history and that I want this pregnancy to have a successful outcome. She took her time which is great, plus my mom works with her @ our hospital in postpartum.

 So what’s the game plan?!
-keep the meds going (metformin and levoxyl) + suppositories (yuck)
-referral to an Endocrinologist to watch tsh/t4 levels during pregnancy (checked every trimester)
-referral to Perinatologist for the CERCLAGE, yay! She said they would place it at like 14 weeks, hopefully sooner than that.
-she’ll monitor me closely after cerclage placement and she’ll take it out at 36 weeks.
Sounds good!

She could see the brown discharge today, but she said my cervix is closed and the irritation is consistent with suppository usage so I feel better about that.  The spotting has gotten less in the last 24 hours, but we’ll see how that goes.  I go back on 3/9/09 for my official OB visit.

2/24/09  is ultrasound day at the fertility center.  Ha ha…another two week wait.

Beta #2

Beta #2 = 158

God is good!

Beta #3 on Tuesday. Suppositories still messing me up with the brown/brown-pink spotting especially after placement. Indigestion and sore boobs arrived. Yay!

Check this out

hcg# 1 = 62, progesterone = 20

Fertility clinic just called and said the numbers are good for an IUI patient.  If I had IVF, they want the hcg >100.  Last time I with the twins my 1st beta was like 187.

Some brown spotting on and off, worse after suppository placement since late 12dpiui.  No clots though. I thought it would get worse after walking around at work last night (us nurses walk like 3+ miles a shift, ha ha) but it didn’t so I’m all confused. I cried this morning on the way home from the blood test because I was doubtful, worried, scared, nervous and feeling low.  I talked to my mom and peed on the digital stick and low and behold, the miracle of life happened.  She had me feeling better about the spotting/sputtering junk and told me about a lady she knew that spotted for like 3 months and still had a baby.  My mom was super positive this morning and told me to take it easy, don’t get too emotional, and pray. The NP said that the progesterone suppositories are irritating the hell out of my cervix and this does happen at times. So I asked, even after taking it for like 2 weeks, she replied “especially since it’s been that long.”  Learned something new today! So I continue to pray and thank God for this blessing. 

I sent my husb. a pic of the actual pregnancy test and he was tentatively happy.  Because of the brown discharge he didn’t want to get all excited only to end up with a miscarriage like last June. The difference is my first beta was 37 and I was not medicated at all (no progesterone support), I spotted pink, then started bleeding like a period, then saw some clots within 24 hours and when I went to urgent care, my hcg was < 2.  He’ll wait for beta #2 to really get happy.

I was talking to a good friend at work and realized that in Sept/Oct, it will be 4 years since we started really TTC.  Pretty damn depressing.  Some asshole at work asked why I wasn’t “in the family way” like everyone else since all the young chicks are getting pregnant or have had a baby in the last 3 years.  Thanks for the reminder, you ass! 

Well, back to sleep I go, gotta work tonight.

12dpiui and I can’t stand it!

First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!

So I’ve made it this far through the two week wait and I’m losing my mind.  I want to test soooo badly but I’m terrified of the answer being no.  My husb has a theory (since he’s my bodycologist) which is why he keeps asking me to take the test.  Today is his birthday so I also think he wants some good birthday news!  I’ve been praying and praying and God has granted me patience.  I’ve looked at hpt’s, almost ripped open the package,  but I haven’t peed on one yet.  Now that it is day #12 of 14, I’m starting think by now should be pretty accurate and if it’s a BFN, then I’ll just wait for the blood test.  If it’s a no, I think we’ll do it again. We’ve realized that IUI is our best option to have a bio child together because of all our issues and maybe in a few years, we can do adopt or do IVF, but we need to buy our dream home first.

I feel a little differently from last time.  My boobs are bigger and a little sore when pressed, super sleepy, super hungry at first but now my appetite is a little less, gassy (husb. gets a kick out of that, ha ha), little pelvic cramps/heaviness now and then, frequent urination, lower backaches, lightheadedness, vivid dreams and one night I had sciatic nerve pain which only happened when I was pregnant with the twins.  Some of my symptoms were the same as last time, but I remember having bad indigestion and super sore boobs more so last time.  So I’m not sure if the meds are messing with me or that each time is different.  This time I’m taking thyroid hormones as well so it is helping my metabolism and altering the way my body normally deals with all the other hormones in the endocrine system since mine is out of whack without meds. It’s also supposed to lower my chances of having another miscarriage.  All these pills better be doing something right!  I’m trying to stay positive, maybe this time there is only one baby and it’s not pumping out tons of hcg yet. Or maybe there is no baby. Too early to really know, only God does.

I couldn’t help it and told my closest friend that we did the treatment this month and that Wednesday is when we find out.  I thought I could totally keep my mouth shut, but I felt like I needed that support and prayers and positive vibes.  My folks, due to culture, believe you’re not supposed to say anything until you start showing. To me, it almost feels like negative thinking because it’s like “something could happen before then.” Now of course we are all aware of the dreaded “m word” and in my case the dreaded incompetent cervix/premature rupture of membranes (IC/PROM).  But having joy and hope is crucial and I can’t stand the negative vibes.  Show a girl some hope/faith! Yeah it sucked that we told everyone about the twins only to lose them, but I was excited everyday I was pregnant with them partly because of all the hype I got from people around me. 

So all this time I haven’t mentioned my other friend who got knocked up and is now 25 weeks pregn. She’s reached viability with no problem.  I knew she would, never fails!  Those that try, want it badly, and are married with stable careers seem to suffer from Infertility.  She’s not married, cheated on her man (how she got pregn.) and she’s barely employed.  She loved partying all the time and never really had any responsibilities. Now she has to grow up.  She told me when she first found out she was pregn. and was considering her options.  She opted to keep the child and deal with the whole “who’s the daddy” business later.  I talk to her maybe once a month ever since those first 8 weeks.  It’s too painful to hear her nonsense sometimes, especially dealing with her BF and baby-daddy.  My husb doesn’t really want me hanging out with her.  We live down the street from each other and the last time I saw her in person was in Nov. I took her out to breakfast for her birthday and it was super AWKWARD.  She says things like “at least I’ll have my baby” and I just want to SCREAM!

 I just think to myself, people that don’t try get pregnant all around me.  That’s just NOT COOL.  My cousin did 2 years ago (only dated her husb. for 3/4 mo), a family friend did 1 year ago (only dated her bf for 3 mo), coworker 1 year ago (dated her fiance for less than a year) and now this chick (messed around for 1 mo).  What the hell is that all about.  I don’t socialize with them at all and only went to my cousin’s baby shower.  And then hearing about the chick with the octuplets and 6 other kids, that made me want to vomit.  There are so many of us that would love to have 1 child and here she is with 14 under the age of 7 and guess what, she’s single living with her folks.  Never fails!