Life in the ‘Hood

Life in the ‘hood is hectic!  I am on survival mode all the time!  Can’t eat or sleep unless I take care of business. I gotta sleep with one eye open and always on alert for a siren! You would think I was talking about living deep in South Central L.A. surrounded by gang violence.  Ha Ha.  I’m talking about motherhood, of course.

Here is my siren at one month:

Someone taught her how to scream when she is uncomfortable whether it’s hunger, wet diaper, poopy diaper, gassy or needing sleep.  Thank goodness for pacifiers!  Once she’s comfortable, it’s back to being a snuggly angel. Love it! She likes to fall asleep om the left side of my chest, listening to my heartbeat. 

I’ve learned lots of lessons from the Motherhood that my mom purposefully didn’t tell me:.

1. Life happens in 3 hour intervals (time between feedings) so get all the crap I need to do in that timeframe, otherwise MeMe gets needs met 1st.

2. I will become more efficient in time management than I ever have before.  Lollygagging is not permitted.

3. TIRED and SLEEP are five letter words that I am not allowed to feel or experience.  It doesn’t matter how “tired” I am or how much “sleep” I’m lacking, MeMe’s gotta eat, be changed, played with and have her bottles sterilized, breastmilk pumped, clothes/bibs/blankets washed, and dinner needs to be made, rooms cleaned and announcements sent.  And on top of that…we are house-hunting in a hurry. 

4. Even though everyone helps, 10 pm until 8:30 am, is my shift and mine alone. I have the sole responsibility of baby-care. So now MeMe wants to get up at 1a and stay up until 4a, I gotta stay up with her. Husb helps, but not as much as I had fantasized about during the pregnancy.

5.  When someone offers to watch the baby, I take full of advantage and get hours of SLEEP in a row. 

6. Having my period restart really sucks.  I was sooo happy going without for 9 months, then after birth, there is all that lochia bleeding for like 3 weeks straight, I had a little break week 3 to 4 and at 28 days after delivery, my period started and now I’m on my second week of bleeding still.  Hopefully week 6 is it! 

 I am ready to get my groove back.

 

59 days left!

59 days left until my EDD! Awesome!

But, I feel like I’m ready now.  I’d be happy if she was born because I really really want to see and hold her already.  I know, I’m being selfish because she is not ready to come out yet, but I want her here!  I wish her lungs would hurry up and mature so I can deliver.  The suspense is killing me! I have no desire to wait until 40+ weeks.  37 or 38 would be just fine.

A coworker had her baby boy at 32 weeks last year. I think he was in the NICU for about 5 weeks or so.  He came out the womb 6 lbs at that time.  She had GD and I’m not sure what caused her to deliver so early since she never told me the whole story.  But he is 1 yr 3 mo and healthy now.  So it’s possible, but not ideal of course.

I guess I also want to deliver now because I’m uncomfortable.  Gotta work around the belly and work with the extra weight.  My joints don’t like it.  Husb and I can’t sleep in the same bed together.  He tosses and turns and takes up more than his alotted space.  Drives me nuts.  So by the time I get comfy and cozy, he steals the covers or I’ll have a sudden urge to go pee.  Crap!  It’s getting out of hand.  So we stagger, kinda like when I was working.  He sleeps at night and I sleep during the day or after 4 am (the time he leaves). 

I’ve been watching a lot of delivery shows and “Bringing Home Baby” to see what works and doesn’t work.  I could’ve done the childbirth and breastfeeding class on Monday, but I realized there’s alot I already know and can learn from mom, the postpartum RN. So I’ll save my $$.  I went through a lot of childbirth stuff with the twins.  What a mucus plug looks like, what having your water breaks feels like,  the monitoring, IV lines, having your cervix checked manually, waiting to dilate enough (6 hours for the boys), the major contractions to help deliver (hurt like hell) and waiting for the placenta to come out.  Been there, done that.  I just know now that the baby is the size of a watermelon, the waiting and pain will be much worse.  Epidural please! I kinda know about that too.  Getting my spinal for the cerclage is pretty similar in procedure and effects.  The rest of the stuff I need to know, my doc and L&D nurses will gladly go over with me.  Now breastfeeding, mom goes over that every Sunday using one of my teddy bears.  Positioning of the baby, cues to look for, how to hold the equipment, and timing on each breast have been discussed.  And I guess we’ll keep discussing/practicing it because she wants me knowledgeable by the time I end up in the hospital.  Plus, I still have my nursing school books and plenty of time to read.

Other news, my best friend just came back from London (after studying abroad for 8 weeks) and is coming to visit.  Yay!  Also, it’s someone’s birthday at work, so that means dinner and drinks next weekend.  A break in monotony is always welcomed!

31 weeks of taking over

Little Miss MeMe is taking over.  She’s the first thing people see when they look at me.  For a while, my belly was big but still a little hideable, now there is no mistaking that I didn’t just swallow a basketball.  My neighbor cornered me the other day and yesterday, we went to a house party where she was the topic of conversation.

It was for a 2 year old’s birthday celebration, but more like a multi-generational party.  My parents, husb and I went to this party thrown by some members of our club/association.  A few of us Ghanaian-Americans get together monthly to discuss different topics and embrace culture. Mostly we throw parties/picnics and socialize.  They were very supportive after my boys died and brought us food when my aunt died shortly after that.  It’s like one big extended family with the older generations hanging out with the younger ones.  My parents have tons of kids to spoil and play with as if they were their grandkids.  I haven’t been to any meetings or gatherings in months, mostly because I had to work or because I was just lazy.  Husb said they always asked about me.  I think lots of people were really worried about my emotional state for a loooong time because I stayed in hiding.  Anyway, the party was extra cute. And it turns out the hostess, whose daughter was the birthday star, was 4.5 months pregnant as well. 

 She actually did a belly bump with me, it was pretty funny.  So then comes the questions about my belly.  Everyone was so happy I’m so close to delivering and there will be a new baby to join the group.  Babies get all the attention.  The babies will get held and passed around from woman to woman all night long.  There was a 6 month old cute little boy that was sitting on various laps and getting his cheeks messed with.  It’s hilarious. I don’t usually participate in the baby-passing; I just ask how old the baby is, wave hi to the little one, and say that he/she is cute.  I’m sure when MeMe is out of the cuddle phase, any new baby will make me want to hug and squeeze them too. One of my mom’s long-time friends said she was so excited she’s gonna be like another grandma.  MeMe is gonna get smothered everytime I bring her to a party/picnic/meeting. 

My parents have been advertising the “Outdooring” party already. Mom told some of her work friends already.  We were thinking November, before Christmas craziness kicks in.  It’ll give us a chance to use tradition to show off the baby and bring her into our community. Awesome!

MeMe is so big, I can’t imagine how things will be in 4 weeks.  When I lie down, all she does is kick and move.  Thump thump thump all night long.  My belly looks like a snake is moving underneath my skin.  Keep movin and groovin baby girl!  Other symptoms:  insomnia (pretty much all pregnancy long), sore hips when sleeping on either side for too long even with the body pillow between my knees, urinary frequency, fatigue, easily short-of-breath, hunger, indigestion, occasional acid reflux, vivid dreams, hands fall asleep randomly, lots of light belly stretchies (boo!).

BP during the week was good, still no ankle or pedal swelling. No bleeding and rare braxton-hicks.

Another cool thing was that the party was located near the area of Southern Cali we want to move to.  Husb and I spent most of the night analyzing the house layout, backyard, neighborhood, etc.  So the plan is still to move later this year.  Mom doesn’t like the idea because she thinks we’ll be too far and that I might regret having a longer commute to work.  Dad thinks it’s a great opportunity since the big homes are going for great prices.  If they can come up for a party, they can come up to see MeMe just as easily.  It’s okay mom, I know I probably wouldn’t want MeMe to move away from me either!

Babysitting

Today I got to babysit lil’ G, she is 2.5 months old and cute as hell.  A, my crazy friend, is her mom and needed me to watch her for a few hours so she could run some errands and do some cleaning.  Great practice! She came at 0930 and picked her up at 1:15p.  I got to change her little diaper, feed her formula, burp her, and get her sleeping again.  She’s ADORABLE.  I could tell she was hungry because she was smacking her lips, sucking on her hand, and then started to cry a little. But that was the only time she cried.  I hadn’t held her in over a month.  I haven’t changed a baby’s diaper in years, maybe not since nursing school.  It was AWESOME. 

 A was so thankful I could watch her.  I was so thankful to get some practice. I told her anytime, I’ve got nothing to do all day!

Welcome to the world, lil’ mama

 

Alicia (A) had her baby on 4/19, the eve of her father’s death 7 years ago.  Circle of life!  Baby girl is healthy and cute, 6 lbs 4 oz with lots of straight black hair.  She’s mixed with Russian-Jewish and black so it’s gonna be interesting how she’ll look later on.

I went to visit while A was in labor and then this morning as well.  I think A labored for like 20 hours.  She was all like “just wait until it’s your turn” and I replied, “I’ve been through this before,” she stopped complaining after that comment since she realized what I meant.

Her boyfriend was in the room when I first visited and it was still weird him being there since the baby isn’t his, but whatever floats their boat.  Even the nurse couldn’t really refer to him as the “father of the baby.”

 This morning A and baby girl were alone and A wanted to eat breakfast so she asked me hold lil’ mama for a while.  IT WAS WONDERFUL!  She was quiet, soft and wiggly.  Cute little toes and hands and ears. Just precious!  I haven’t held a baby in a loooooong time.  After like 15 min, I had to give her to the nurses since it was assessment time.

I cried when I heard the news that she delivered. I was  happy for A, but sad about a lot of things. 

 I cried for my agonizing decision and labor that resulted in two dead babies in my arms. 

 I cried for the pregnancy I lost after the twins.

 I cried for the fact that pregnancy has been so difficult to achieve and maintain. 

I cried for the fact that everyone I know has living children and haven’t suffered like I have, even my own husband. 

I cried for the fact that I want to be a real mommy since stepmommy is just not the same. I want to raise a child based on my beliefs and ideals, not go by what someone else already has done or decides. Dom’s court ordered weekly visitations started at age 3.

I cried about the fact that A never appreciated her easy pregnancy and was still thinking selfishly up until the end.  She kept wondering what was gonna happen to her cooch since it’ll never be the same, baby is too early because she lied to her boyfriend about the timing of conception, blah blah blah.  Boyfriend is still there, he has kids with his ex-wife that A has never spent time with or hung out with as a group and now they’re gonna raise this baby girl together like one big happy Brady Bunch.  Just bizarre…how can you date someone for like 2+ years and never meet their other kids but expect to raise a kid together?

Anyway, happy birthday baby!

8w5d (3/09/09)

1st OB appointment, met with NP instead.

Ultrasound showed 20.4 mm baby measuring 8w4d with heartbeat in 170’s. YAY!

Next appointment 4/6/09, referral now being made to the perinatologist.

Thank you God.

Still cycling – IUI cd11

Well here were are on day cd11 and meds are not quite right yet. It seems like this cycle may be as long as the last time.  Last IUI in 2007 (gave me a BFP) we didn’t do the IUIs until cd17 and cd18.

So far… 1/6 cd 3 looked good – old cyst from when I last ovulated on right ovary, good antral count

cd3 to cd10 = Follistim 75iu SC

us on 1/12 cd 9 = showed 11mm and 12mm follie on right and lots of 7mm on left. 7 mm uterine lines

1/14 cd 11 = 17mm follie on right <could be combo of last two follies> with few 7 mm (7 total), and lots of 7 mm on left (7 total), but E2 was not good enough so upped dose to 100iu of follistim SC. 8 mm uterine lines.  I’m thinking they want more mature follies since I’m barely stimming.

Last time only needed 50 for over a week then 75 for few days and got my twins! This time, my ovaries are a little more stubborn, but I wonder if the thyroid stuff has anything to do with it? I know they know what they’re doing and they are taking it slowly so we’re being as patient as we can.  We were hoping that the IUI would be this weekend, but it seems more like next Monday. Which means our tww would end right on or after my husb.’s birthday.

We’ll see.  I’ve been trying to predict this cycle and pray that I don’t have OHSS, but now I’m praying they don’t cancel the cycle.

New Year, New Day, New Cycle

Let’s make this year a good one!

Happy Angel Day Angeline and Augustin!

It has been exactly one year since we lost the the twins.  They were sadly born and died 1/9/08. I can’t believe time has gone so quickly, I still get flashbacks every now and then of events leading to their demise.  I wanted to commemorate each day of events leading to today by inflating a white balloon with scripture on each.  I opted to put scripture on one, but still inflate the balloons so that today we can let them go.  Symbolic…from 1/4 to 1/9 of fear, disbelief, decision, despair, anguish, and sadness. And that today I would somehow let some of that go by letting go of the balloons in their honor.  Plus the balloons are flying up to heaven with them. We’ll lay low tonight and light candles in their honor.

My husband and I decided to start a new IUI cycle this month after getting the green light from my recent labwork.  TSH = 1.5, great for conception!  We patiently waited for my period to start and low and behold, it started on 1/4/09  (a year ago that date my water broke @ almost 16 weeks).  We went for our baseline ultrasound on day 3 which was 1/6 and uterus/ovaries/labs looked good so the NP said it was okay to start taking my follistim 75 iu.  Last time we started @ 50 iu, but she said that I responded slowly, so they upped the dose.  I just pray that my ovaries don’t respond too much.  One embryo is fantastic, twins are nice, but triplets are super high risk with my weak cervix.

I got great news regarding the meds. My husband’s insurance is so freaking wonderful that $700 worth of injectibles was only $15.  How awesome is that!  So I’m excited and nervous at the same time.  But my resolution was to be more positive and I am thinking very positively.  Plus we’ll do it again.  We are so eager to have a child together, we keep playing the name game.   I think we’ll have a boy (chinese gender chart), but if we have a boy and girl or boy/boy we have names.  He wants a girl, if we have two girls we have names too.  “But what about…”  My husband likes finding names.

I’ m trying not to have too much pride that I will get my BFP because I don’t want to jinx it. We know I can get pregnant, my body needs help with hormones.  We also know I can carry two babies for up to 4 months with no help, so this time we are getting help with a cerclage.  I have a new OB-Gyn (Dr. M) on board who will refer me to the same Perinatologist (Dr. D) that I saw in the hospital (we trust him).  Knowledge is power and sometimes ingnorance is bliss.  But this time I love the knowledge.

I have an appointment with RE on 1/12 and 1/14 and that will determine when the IUI will be.  Hopefully next weekend so that the tww will be done by my husband’s birthday.  What a great present that would be! God willing…

Sad today 1/23/08

Super sad today, it has been 2 weeks since we lost our twins (born/died at 16 weeks on 1/9/08) and it’s still killing me.  The memory of the events of that day haunt me every once in a while and I keep thinking about how I’m supposed to explain it to people (like I really care what they think).  My kids meant the world to me.  It took 2 years to make them and 4 months to grow them healthy, then lose them simply because my OB was busy and didn’t look at my cervix on the ultrasound.  Grrrr!!!!  Anyway, I have decided to memorialize the pregnancy as well as the babies.  Angeline and Augustin, I’ll love you forever, sweeties!

 Pregnancy memories:

1.  Lots of hormone shots for like 2 weeks in my belly
2. Lots of ultrasounds and lab draws (my poor veins)
3. Lots of trips to fertility center (24 miles each way) 
4. Stayed in a hotel to have IUI done
5. The horrible 2 week wait and bought a plant to occupy my time
6. Felt lightheaded while cooking before I found out + or -
7. Totally excited that IUI worked and found out on voicemail!
8. Called and told all close friends and family about the pregnancy
9. Got the best sleep ever for first 3 weeks, yucky suppositories
10. First baby pics at 6 weeks with 2 heartbeats (TWINS)
11. Next baby pics at 7 weeks, looking good
12. Had to wait until 10 weeks to see OB/gyn, grrr! (Babies looked good)
13. Nausea and vomiting started around 8 weeks – must eat every 3 hours!
14. Super hungry!
15. Nausea got better at 12 weeks and now really feeling good
16. Holidays and birthday with no alcohol!  Best birthday ever!
17. Treated like a superstar at work (hey everyone, she’s having twins!)
18. 15 weeks check up was rushed since MD running late, noticed BP going up and UTI (belly hurt after I went to pee)
19. Clothes didn’t fit, time for new wardrobe and went on shopping spree
20. Noticed some pink spots before work, but not too much
21. Worked all night with little help, needed to sit down a lot
22. Went home tired, woke up from sleep with constant wet underwear
23. Worried! Very worried. Waited to see if undies get saturated
24. Cooked pork chops with mixed veggies and mashed potatoes
25. Slightly wet undies, but felt something coming out – WATER BROKE!

Worst feeling in my life to know I was losing the babies and that I probably couldn’t stop it.  But the worst was yet to come and I’m still feeling it.