Remembrance day

October 15 is Pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day. I wanted to take a moment to honor all the lost angels and mommies to angels. The pain of grieving never leaves, only stings less with time. I would not have my daughter now if we hadn’t lost our twin boys and learned from the experience.

From 2/08 until 10/08, I attended Empty Cradle support group meetings. I received a pamphlet from a social worker at the hospital. Once a month we would gather and express our feelings, telling the stories of our losses. Boxes of tissue were in never-ending supply. Several of our group had second trimester losses either due to IC or preterm labor. Someone’s story was always a little worse than mine, but sharing helped to ease the sadness. Those lovely ladies were soo supportive. My family couldn’t relate to my pain and would tell me to keep moving on.

I stopped going because of work conflicts (night meetings on work nights) and out of fear. I was a little superastitious about going while pregnant. I wanted good vibes from beginning to end. I still mourn and remember my boys in my own way.

At the beginning of this month, I received an email reminder of this month’s meeting being a special service to remember all the angels. I cried when I read it. I didn’t go. I stayed home, caring for my little miracle and prayed. A part of me wishes I went. My boys know I love them dearly.

One of my favorite songs “until the end of time” by. Justin Timber.lake still brings me to tears when I hear it. We played that song when I delivered Angelus and Augustin. But the lyrics are so wonderful, I find myself singing it to Amethyst.

“if your love was all I had, in this life, that would be enough until the end, rest your weary heart and relax your mind, ’cause I’m gonna love you girl, until the end of time”

And my favorite line that I dedicate to Amethyst…
“baby girl there ain’t no question, just to be around you is a blessing!”

O

Pissed Ice Queen

I’m pissed at my husb.  He’s pissed at me.  It’s the story of our lives right now. We had a fight last night, for like 4 hours of him bitching about how I’m an Ice Queen. 

I don’t show him any “love” and don’t even want to try.   He claims that we love spending time together and have no problem there but it’s the bedroom that is lacking. In order to feel love and appreciated, he needs that.  The doctors said no sex since I was 9 weeks due to bleeding.  He hit my cervix and it bled.  Then I had the surgery to stitch my cervix closed since I almost lost the baby so no more sex.  The appt with Dr S when I was 21 weeks, husb asked if we could do it now, doc said ”there is a risk for infection and the stitches are sharp, you might get hurt.”  Husb still wanted to try.  You dumb ass, I’m not risking this baby for your man-needs!  So he backed off.  He still wanted “kisses” without giving me my back rub and I refused, trying to show him that if I’m not gonna get some love too, then forget it.  Why does it have to be about what he wants. 

He says to compromise.  I’m not compromising the health of my baby.  I’m don’t want to risk getting an infection, going into preterm labor, and being forced to deliver this baby now.  She’ll be on a ventilator with IV lines and feeding tubes. He says she’s viable, things will work out.  What the hell?!  I sometimes wonder if he even cares whether or not we have a child together. He says “if it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t meant to be.”  That kind of attitude, get’s NO LOVE.

He says he’s been with me through all my depression caused by infertility and the miscarriages.  That he’s been supportive, more like telling me I need to chill out and that I’m crazy.  He’s been patient with this process and feels like he’s not getting any of the love back.  Excuse me, who was there through all the crap with Dom and his bio-mom, who was there to help him with a lot of other shit that he was stressing out about.   He got what he wanted, his son.  Now I want my daughter.  I have been stressing out about this pregnancy from the beginning and he thinks an orgasm is what I need to feel better.  WHAT I NEED is my daughter to be born healthy and alive.  WHAT I NEED is a husb that understands that if I say I want a massage to make me feel better, then that’s what I should get instead of having to fight over the fact that I’m limiting myself since the doc never said I couldn’t get some “kisses” of my own.  I don’t want “kisses” because I don’t want contractions!  He thinks that’s why the shots are done to keep away the contractions. But orgasmic contractions can’t be stopped!

He keeps making it about what he thinks is best.  I should just listen to him.  He won’t steer me wrong.  Yeah, right.  If I end up in the hospital and they ask what happened, like a dumb ass, I’ll have to say we did x-y-z which was against doctor’s orders. No way.  I’ll listen and make my own conclusion.  I’m not gonna follow someone that doesn’t really know about how the body works. He’s so willing to take chances it’s scary. Too scary.

I have no desire to do anything sexual, but he keeps insisting I do it for him.  What he’s suggesting, I won’t mention, but I am so against and completely repulsed by the thought.  But if I do it for him then at least he’ll be happy.  NO. I may be a bad wife for not compromising, but I’ll be damned if I do something that I really don’t want to do to. It’s like him saying it would really make him happy if I jumped off a bridge and I don’t mean bungee style.  Should I do it because he’ll be happy? We all do things we don’t want to do to please our mates, but come on!  There has to be a limit. I have done enough compromising during this fertility process. I’ve compromised my feeling of womanhood my pride, and my sense of normalcy! I have to deal with watching his child grow up and wondering if I’ll ever have my own.

We’re so close to having this baby, I’m 26w3d along. Why change something if it’s working.  The regimen that I’m on now is working fine, why introduce new and possibly problematic things?!

He’s leaving tomorrow for his 10 day trip.  Counseling would be good when he comes back.

Another unfortunate anniversary

It’s been a year since I lost “Adrien”. Damn, time flies.  Adrien was a true miracle.  No ovulation tests, no watching my mucus, no temping, no monitoring of my cycle whatsoever.  I hadn’t done that since 2005.  It was nice to know that I ovulated on my own.  I was also nice to know that my husb and I can make a baby the old-fashion way (saved us thousands).

But Adrien was not meant to be. Adrien was a chemical pregnancy.  Adrien came to us and was gone in a week.  Today, a year ago, I was bleeding like a period, went to the urgent care center and found my hcg level to be down to <2 with nothing showing on the ultrasound. 

Dear Adrien, you were a dream.  I’m sorry you could not stay and be realized.  Instead, God wanted you in heaven with your brothers.

Welcome ICLW

Welcome and hugs! Just wanted to show some love to everyone dealing with the common thread of infertility, pregnancy loss, and high-risk pregnancies; I feel you on many levels. My husb and I have been trying to have a child together for 3.5 years. I have PCOS and a sluggish thyroid gland. Luckily, my husb can make babies. We used injectables and IUI in 2007 and was pregnant with twin boys, but lost them due to an incompetent cervix that caused my water to break at only 16 weeks (1/08). Devastated at our loss, we stuck together and ended up with a natural BFP, but had an early miscarriage in 6/08. 2008 was just a horrible year for our family. We decided to do the injectables and IUI in Jan of 09 and are now pregnant with a singleton. I have to deal with another high-risk pregnancy because my cervix started shortening and thinning at 16 weeks AGAIN! I now have a double cerclage in place and am blogging my days away until baby is born.

Live and learn, Peri visit

Referral finally went through so, first peri visit on 3/27/09.  Husb and I drove like 30 miles to a teaching hospital (UCSD)  that had perinatal and genetic services. So we talked to Dr. T.  (new chick) and discussed my pregnancy history, but first, she did a quick viability u/s.  Lil’ bit is growing fine and looks more like a baby with the skeleton glowing and squirming around in there.  My husb. calls the baby “gummy bear” so he was so excited to see his gummy bear moving on the screen.  Fiesty one…think it’s a girl.  We’ve seen baby 5 times now with a great heartbeat.  At 6 w, 8w, 9w (ER), 10w, and now @ 11w2d.  So begins the talk about my history.  I had to relive the last moments with my twins. Very painful, but necessary.  According to Dr. T. my case is not clear-cut.  I could have IC or PTL or infections that started the whole process (raging UTI at the time).  In other words, she can’t really tell so I had to get my hospital record with the pathology report for her to continue to piece the picture together.  Same shit they told me when I lost the twins.  Docs don’t really know what happened.

Apparently, with “true IC” a person may have discharge, leak or break their bag of water and the cervix is already dilated so delivery happens fairly quickly.  In my case, I leaked, broke my bag, then had contractions in the ER, but I had to be induced to go into full blown labor and that happened like 5 days later since I was like 1-2 cm dilated. Plus because it was twins, it’s even trickier because of the weight of two babies, two sacs.  But I remember feeling like there was something in my cooch the night before my water broke but I wasn’t sure.  So I’m thinking IC because baby A’s sac was bulging.  Either way, we have choices and she is not jumping on the cerclage bandwagon yet due to it’s risks, especially if it’s not really necessary.  Go figure.

1. Take progesterone shots to prevent PTL that could lead to IC.

2. Get a cerclage and take progesterone to cover for IC and PTL

3. Do nothing, watch and wait, get  my cervix checked every 2 weeks and pray it doesn’t shorten or else an emergent cerclage  is needed.

In the meantime, start getting my cervix checked for length and vaginal cultures for any infections.

Hmmmmmm.  The risks of the cerclage: rupture my membranes, screw up my cervix (even more than Dr. L’s dumb ass already did with the LEEPs), infection, andor fetal demise due to early labor.  My husb made a good point that the risks of doing it are the same as the risks of not doing it.  We’ve been through the scenario before and would like to PREVENT it. Watching and waiting freaks me out because I had seen Dr. L. less than a week before my water broke.   In the two weeks that I’m waiting for another check up, I could dilate. Dr. T. said think about it, she’ll send recommendations to Dr. M. (we see her on 4/6) and to call the office if we have more questions or make up our mind.  I want to do everything to save this baby, especially since we couldn’t save baby B last time. 

We went the hospital that I delivered the twins at and got my chart.  I should’ve done that a loooong time ago, but I just didn’t have the strength.  I also realized that stupid Dr. L. should’ve gotten my pathology report and let me know what it said, but he never did.  What the hell!  Thank goodness, I am persistent and we have a new OB.  So I read the report and learned some things.

• Baby A was a boy.  So his name should be Angelus, not Angeline.  Sorry baby.  We couldn’t tell because his skin and body parts were macerated.   So we had two boys.  If they were alive, their names would’ve been totally different. Angelus’s placenta was infected and even his umbilical cord was infected.  My poor suffering son. I almost cried reading the report.  But we had to know.
• Augustin was not infected.  Could we save him, maybe.  But the risk of the infection spreading was too high.  I always miss you both.

So the choice is ours again.  I think we’ll take door # 2 .

8 weeks of fun

So now I’m 8 weeks and feeling the nausea and indigestion with an order of vomiting. Yuck, vomiting makes my diaphragm hurt. And that 3 hour window to eat is no joke. Lil’ bit is not gonna wait 4 or 5 hours for food, 3 is it! If I don’t have something in my mouth ready to chew, the nausea is unbearable and then starts the running to the bathroom. I’ve been getting nauseous at work too. So when I get busy but notice that it’s been awhile since I ate something, I just take a eating break. I don’t care if my patient is doing backflips over the bed, I need food when I need it. I was eating gummy bears and noticed that its about the same size as the baby. Kinda cute! Baby is a hungry bear!

I’m not sleeping well and I think it’s affecting my work. I get frustrated more easily and exhausted by the time I come home. I even come into work looking tired and people keep asking me if I’m okay. Do I look like shit or something? Is there a sign on my forehead that says “something is different?” I snapped at my husb the other day because he couldn’t understand how I have so many days off and spend all my time in bed, but I’m not sleeping, then tried to give me suggestions. I’m not hearing you dude! If this is how its gonna be when lil’ bit is born, I’ll be well trained.

I’ve also noticed that the death of the twins has greatly affected my relations at work. I don’t socialize as much at all and I realized that the people I was cool with last year, I don’t even really talk to. It’s like they haven’t experienced any kind of loss and life is a bowl of cherries all the time. I experienced a lot of death last year and they don’t understand the sadness.  I think I’m just stressing over my appointment today and the fact being pregnant after a loss is nerve-wrecking. You want this pregnancy to continue, but you’re terrified that it won’t and almost brace yourself for that scenario. Then, you get excited that you’ve reached a milestone, only to realize that there are a million more milestones to go. One chick at work at work is maybe a few weeks ahead of me and is telling everyone she is two months pregnant. Then another chick is pregnant and every other word out of her mouth is “I’m pregnant” or talking about her toddler. I hate how they’re so sure that nothing will go wrong. Of all the known pregnancies that have occured at work, mine was the only one that failed. What are the odds? The younger chicks can’t even imagine what I went through, but some of the older ladies had their own stories of m/c, stillbirths and triumphs. One lady told me how she never got to have kids because she wasted her child-bearing years with a bad husband. Damn, that sucks. I think people thought I would pregnant right away after the twins and noticed that I haven’t so maybe there’s a problem. Then talking about pregnancies around me is like walking on egg-shells. Kiss my ass people. Maybe I should transfer to another unit.

Just found out my husb’s other baby-mama is preg. with a girl and will probably deliver in May or so. She’s married with 2 boys (including 6 y.o. Dom) plus a stepson. Lucky bitch…

Change of heart

Last week I had a change of heart on hanging out with my pregnant friend Alicia and text her to see how she was doing (also see where her head was at).  She said she missed me and wanted to hang out or something so we set up a shopping date.  I also told her my news and she was excited for me and wanted to know all the details about the procedure and the meds I’m on, etc.  So I picked her up and noticed the undeniable baby bump she had going on (30 weeks).  Seeing the bump was weird because of all people to be preg. she was the last person I could think of and I was envious.  That’s right, envious. 

 I’m dying to get that bump, kinda like a “I beat infertility” badge of honor. I’ve dreamt of feeling that first real kick and lying in bed with my husb as he rubs, talks, and kisses my big belly.  Some day.

So she told me about her shower on the 21st and wants me and my mom to come.  Now baby showers suck because babies have been such a source of stress and pain for me.  I hosted 2 showers while TTC and got emotionally wrapped into each one.  Then every BFN was extra painful and the loss of the twins made baby showers unthinkable.  I couldn’t even go into a baby aisle until after I got the BFP last May and when I lost that one, no more baby crap for me.  I proposed the idea to my mom and she really wants to go, partly to return the favor that Alicia and her mom did for me by coming to my bridal shower 1.5hrs away from our houses.  So I’ll grin and bear it, maybe it’ll get me hyped for my lil’ bit.

It’s all good…

On 2/10/09,  Beta # 3 = 1138. Doubling time 1.4 days (34 hours). AWESOME kiddo!

Finally met Dr. M today and she is super cool. We had a nice long discussion about my obstetrical history and that I want this pregnancy to have a successful outcome. She took her time which is great, plus my mom works with her @ our hospital in postpartum.

 So what’s the game plan?!
-keep the meds going (metformin and levoxyl) + suppositories (yuck)
-referral to an Endocrinologist to watch tsh/t4 levels during pregnancy (checked every trimester)
-referral to Perinatologist for the CERCLAGE, yay! She said they would place it at like 14 weeks, hopefully sooner than that.
-she’ll monitor me closely after cerclage placement and she’ll take it out at 36 weeks.
Sounds good!

She could see the brown discharge today, but she said my cervix is closed and the irritation is consistent with suppository usage so I feel better about that.  The spotting has gotten less in the last 24 hours, but we’ll see how that goes.  I go back on 3/9/09 for my official OB visit.

2/24/09  is ultrasound day at the fertility center.  Ha ha…another two week wait.

12dpiui and I can’t stand it!

First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!

So I’ve made it this far through the two week wait and I’m losing my mind.  I want to test soooo badly but I’m terrified of the answer being no.  My husb has a theory (since he’s my bodycologist) which is why he keeps asking me to take the test.  Today is his birthday so I also think he wants some good birthday news!  I’ve been praying and praying and God has granted me patience.  I’ve looked at hpt’s, almost ripped open the package,  but I haven’t peed on one yet.  Now that it is day #12 of 14, I’m starting think by now should be pretty accurate and if it’s a BFN, then I’ll just wait for the blood test.  If it’s a no, I think we’ll do it again. We’ve realized that IUI is our best option to have a bio child together because of all our issues and maybe in a few years, we can do adopt or do IVF, but we need to buy our dream home first.

I feel a little differently from last time.  My boobs are bigger and a little sore when pressed, super sleepy, super hungry at first but now my appetite is a little less, gassy (husb. gets a kick out of that, ha ha), little pelvic cramps/heaviness now and then, frequent urination, lower backaches, lightheadedness, vivid dreams and one night I had sciatic nerve pain which only happened when I was pregnant with the twins.  Some of my symptoms were the same as last time, but I remember having bad indigestion and super sore boobs more so last time.  So I’m not sure if the meds are messing with me or that each time is different.  This time I’m taking thyroid hormones as well so it is helping my metabolism and altering the way my body normally deals with all the other hormones in the endocrine system since mine is out of whack without meds. It’s also supposed to lower my chances of having another miscarriage.  All these pills better be doing something right!  I’m trying to stay positive, maybe this time there is only one baby and it’s not pumping out tons of hcg yet. Or maybe there is no baby. Too early to really know, only God does.

I couldn’t help it and told my closest friend that we did the treatment this month and that Wednesday is when we find out.  I thought I could totally keep my mouth shut, but I felt like I needed that support and prayers and positive vibes.  My folks, due to culture, believe you’re not supposed to say anything until you start showing. To me, it almost feels like negative thinking because it’s like “something could happen before then.” Now of course we are all aware of the dreaded “m word” and in my case the dreaded incompetent cervix/premature rupture of membranes (IC/PROM).  But having joy and hope is crucial and I can’t stand the negative vibes.  Show a girl some hope/faith! Yeah it sucked that we told everyone about the twins only to lose them, but I was excited everyday I was pregnant with them partly because of all the hype I got from people around me. 

So all this time I haven’t mentioned my other friend who got knocked up and is now 25 weeks pregn. She’s reached viability with no problem.  I knew she would, never fails!  Those that try, want it badly, and are married with stable careers seem to suffer from Infertility.  She’s not married, cheated on her man (how she got pregn.) and she’s barely employed.  She loved partying all the time and never really had any responsibilities. Now she has to grow up.  She told me when she first found out she was pregn. and was considering her options.  She opted to keep the child and deal with the whole “who’s the daddy” business later.  I talk to her maybe once a month ever since those first 8 weeks.  It’s too painful to hear her nonsense sometimes, especially dealing with her BF and baby-daddy.  My husb doesn’t really want me hanging out with her.  We live down the street from each other and the last time I saw her in person was in Nov. I took her out to breakfast for her birthday and it was super AWKWARD.  She says things like “at least I’ll have my baby” and I just want to SCREAM!

 I just think to myself, people that don’t try get pregnant all around me.  That’s just NOT COOL.  My cousin did 2 years ago (only dated her husb. for 3/4 mo), a family friend did 1 year ago (only dated her bf for 3 mo), coworker 1 year ago (dated her fiance for less than a year) and now this chick (messed around for 1 mo).  What the hell is that all about.  I don’t socialize with them at all and only went to my cousin’s baby shower.  And then hearing about the chick with the octuplets and 6 other kids, that made me want to vomit.  There are so many of us that would love to have 1 child and here she is with 14 under the age of 7 and guess what, she’s single living with her folks.  Never fails!

New Year, New Day, New Cycle

Let’s make this year a good one!

Happy Angel Day Angeline and Augustin!

It has been exactly one year since we lost the the twins.  They were sadly born and died 1/9/08. I can’t believe time has gone so quickly, I still get flashbacks every now and then of events leading to their demise.  I wanted to commemorate each day of events leading to today by inflating a white balloon with scripture on each.  I opted to put scripture on one, but still inflate the balloons so that today we can let them go.  Symbolic…from 1/4 to 1/9 of fear, disbelief, decision, despair, anguish, and sadness. And that today I would somehow let some of that go by letting go of the balloons in their honor.  Plus the balloons are flying up to heaven with them. We’ll lay low tonight and light candles in their honor.

My husband and I decided to start a new IUI cycle this month after getting the green light from my recent labwork.  TSH = 1.5, great for conception!  We patiently waited for my period to start and low and behold, it started on 1/4/09  (a year ago that date my water broke @ almost 16 weeks).  We went for our baseline ultrasound on day 3 which was 1/6 and uterus/ovaries/labs looked good so the NP said it was okay to start taking my follistim 75 iu.  Last time we started @ 50 iu, but she said that I responded slowly, so they upped the dose.  I just pray that my ovaries don’t respond too much.  One embryo is fantastic, twins are nice, but triplets are super high risk with my weak cervix.

I got great news regarding the meds. My husband’s insurance is so freaking wonderful that $700 worth of injectibles was only $15.  How awesome is that!  So I’m excited and nervous at the same time.  But my resolution was to be more positive and I am thinking very positively.  Plus we’ll do it again.  We are so eager to have a child together, we keep playing the name game.   I think we’ll have a boy (chinese gender chart), but if we have a boy and girl or boy/boy we have names.  He wants a girl, if we have two girls we have names too.  “But what about…”  My husband likes finding names.

I’ m trying not to have too much pride that I will get my BFP because I don’t want to jinx it. We know I can get pregnant, my body needs help with hormones.  We also know I can carry two babies for up to 4 months with no help, so this time we are getting help with a cerclage.  I have a new OB-Gyn (Dr. M) on board who will refer me to the same Perinatologist (Dr. D) that I saw in the hospital (we trust him).  Knowledge is power and sometimes ingnorance is bliss.  But this time I love the knowledge.

I have an appointment with RE on 1/12 and 1/14 and that will determine when the IUI will be.  Hopefully next weekend so that the tww will be done by my husband’s birthday.  What a great present that would be! God willing…