It’s all good…

On 2/10/09,  Beta # 3 = 1138. Doubling time 1.4 days (34 hours). AWESOME kiddo!

Finally met Dr. M today and she is super cool. We had a nice long discussion about my obstetrical history and that I want this pregnancy to have a successful outcome. She took her time which is great, plus my mom works with her @ our hospital in postpartum.

 So what’s the game plan?!
-keep the meds going (metformin and levoxyl) + suppositories (yuck)
-referral to an Endocrinologist to watch tsh/t4 levels during pregnancy (checked every trimester)
-referral to Perinatologist for the CERCLAGE, yay! She said they would place it at like 14 weeks, hopefully sooner than that.
-she’ll monitor me closely after cerclage placement and she’ll take it out at 36 weeks.
Sounds good!

She could see the brown discharge today, but she said my cervix is closed and the irritation is consistent with suppository usage so I feel better about that.  The spotting has gotten less in the last 24 hours, but we’ll see how that goes.  I go back on 3/9/09 for my official OB visit.

2/24/09  is ultrasound day at the fertility center.  Ha ha…another two week wait.

12dpiui and I can’t stand it!

First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!

So I’ve made it this far through the two week wait and I’m losing my mind.  I want to test soooo badly but I’m terrified of the answer being no.  My husb has a theory (since he’s my bodycologist) which is why he keeps asking me to take the test.  Today is his birthday so I also think he wants some good birthday news!  I’ve been praying and praying and God has granted me patience.  I’ve looked at hpt’s, almost ripped open the package,  but I haven’t peed on one yet.  Now that it is day #12 of 14, I’m starting think by now should be pretty accurate and if it’s a BFN, then I’ll just wait for the blood test.  If it’s a no, I think we’ll do it again. We’ve realized that IUI is our best option to have a bio child together because of all our issues and maybe in a few years, we can do adopt or do IVF, but we need to buy our dream home first.

I feel a little differently from last time.  My boobs are bigger and a little sore when pressed, super sleepy, super hungry at first but now my appetite is a little less, gassy (husb. gets a kick out of that, ha ha), little pelvic cramps/heaviness now and then, frequent urination, lower backaches, lightheadedness, vivid dreams and one night I had sciatic nerve pain which only happened when I was pregnant with the twins.  Some of my symptoms were the same as last time, but I remember having bad indigestion and super sore boobs more so last time.  So I’m not sure if the meds are messing with me or that each time is different.  This time I’m taking thyroid hormones as well so it is helping my metabolism and altering the way my body normally deals with all the other hormones in the endocrine system since mine is out of whack without meds. It’s also supposed to lower my chances of having another miscarriage.  All these pills better be doing something right!  I’m trying to stay positive, maybe this time there is only one baby and it’s not pumping out tons of hcg yet. Or maybe there is no baby. Too early to really know, only God does.

I couldn’t help it and told my closest friend that we did the treatment this month and that Wednesday is when we find out.  I thought I could totally keep my mouth shut, but I felt like I needed that support and prayers and positive vibes.  My folks, due to culture, believe you’re not supposed to say anything until you start showing. To me, it almost feels like negative thinking because it’s like “something could happen before then.” Now of course we are all aware of the dreaded “m word” and in my case the dreaded incompetent cervix/premature rupture of membranes (IC/PROM).  But having joy and hope is crucial and I can’t stand the negative vibes.  Show a girl some hope/faith! Yeah it sucked that we told everyone about the twins only to lose them, but I was excited everyday I was pregnant with them partly because of all the hype I got from people around me. 

So all this time I haven’t mentioned my other friend who got knocked up and is now 25 weeks pregn. She’s reached viability with no problem.  I knew she would, never fails!  Those that try, want it badly, and are married with stable careers seem to suffer from Infertility.  She’s not married, cheated on her man (how she got pregn.) and she’s barely employed.  She loved partying all the time and never really had any responsibilities. Now she has to grow up.  She told me when she first found out she was pregn. and was considering her options.  She opted to keep the child and deal with the whole “who’s the daddy” business later.  I talk to her maybe once a month ever since those first 8 weeks.  It’s too painful to hear her nonsense sometimes, especially dealing with her BF and baby-daddy.  My husb doesn’t really want me hanging out with her.  We live down the street from each other and the last time I saw her in person was in Nov. I took her out to breakfast for her birthday and it was super AWKWARD.  She says things like “at least I’ll have my baby” and I just want to SCREAM!

 I just think to myself, people that don’t try get pregnant all around me.  That’s just NOT COOL.  My cousin did 2 years ago (only dated her husb. for 3/4 mo), a family friend did 1 year ago (only dated her bf for 3 mo), coworker 1 year ago (dated her fiance for less than a year) and now this chick (messed around for 1 mo).  What the hell is that all about.  I don’t socialize with them at all and only went to my cousin’s baby shower.  And then hearing about the chick with the octuplets and 6 other kids, that made me want to vomit.  There are so many of us that would love to have 1 child and here she is with 14 under the age of 7 and guess what, she’s single living with her folks.  Never fails!

New Year, New Day, New Cycle

Let’s make this year a good one!

Happy Angel Day Angeline and Augustin!

It has been exactly one year since we lost the the twins.  They were sadly born and died 1/9/08. I can’t believe time has gone so quickly, I still get flashbacks every now and then of events leading to their demise.  I wanted to commemorate each day of events leading to today by inflating a white balloon with scripture on each.  I opted to put scripture on one, but still inflate the balloons so that today we can let them go.  Symbolic…from 1/4 to 1/9 of fear, disbelief, decision, despair, anguish, and sadness. And that today I would somehow let some of that go by letting go of the balloons in their honor.  Plus the balloons are flying up to heaven with them. We’ll lay low tonight and light candles in their honor.

My husband and I decided to start a new IUI cycle this month after getting the green light from my recent labwork.  TSH = 1.5, great for conception!  We patiently waited for my period to start and low and behold, it started on 1/4/09  (a year ago that date my water broke @ almost 16 weeks).  We went for our baseline ultrasound on day 3 which was 1/6 and uterus/ovaries/labs looked good so the NP said it was okay to start taking my follistim 75 iu.  Last time we started @ 50 iu, but she said that I responded slowly, so they upped the dose.  I just pray that my ovaries don’t respond too much.  One embryo is fantastic, twins are nice, but triplets are super high risk with my weak cervix.

I got great news regarding the meds. My husband’s insurance is so freaking wonderful that $700 worth of injectibles was only $15.  How awesome is that!  So I’m excited and nervous at the same time.  But my resolution was to be more positive and I am thinking very positively.  Plus we’ll do it again.  We are so eager to have a child together, we keep playing the name game.   I think we’ll have a boy (chinese gender chart), but if we have a boy and girl or boy/boy we have names.  He wants a girl, if we have two girls we have names too.  “But what about…”  My husband likes finding names.

I’ m trying not to have too much pride that I will get my BFP because I don’t want to jinx it. We know I can get pregnant, my body needs help with hormones.  We also know I can carry two babies for up to 4 months with no help, so this time we are getting help with a cerclage.  I have a new OB-Gyn (Dr. M) on board who will refer me to the same Perinatologist (Dr. D) that I saw in the hospital (we trust him).  Knowledge is power and sometimes ingnorance is bliss.  But this time I love the knowledge.

I have an appointment with RE on 1/12 and 1/14 and that will determine when the IUI will be.  Hopefully next weekend so that the tww will be done by my husband’s birthday.  What a great present that would be! God willing…

The Speech

    This is the speech I gave at my twins’ memorial                                                                

 

  Letters to My Children

 

            First of all, I want you to know that mommy and daddy, your grand-parents, aunts and uncles, and great-grandparents love you and couldn’t wait to have you here.  After years of negative pregnancy and ovulation tests, we conceived you on our first try with advanced treatment.  All the road-trips to Del Mar, endless ultrasounds, and injections were all worth seeing your beautiful little heartbeats.  Not just one but two, the day we found out we were overjoyed.  I’m so glad we could see you both alive so many times, just living and playing together.  We were blessed to have both you in our lives.  Angeline Ekua and Augustin Kweku, born too early.

            To my dearest Angeline, we named you because you were our first angel and you were a messenger.  You told us that something was wrong with my cervix and that in the future it will need to be addressed.  You taught me about sacrifice and courage, both things you would have learned as you grew up.  You would have looked like your father, but be feminine and cute.  Active and sweet, bubbly and vocal, funny and charming, just like your dad.  We could tell just by how active you were inside of me.  You would have cute little girl outfits and had your hair done and we would teach you to be a poised young lady.  To meet you, would be an honor.

            My dear Augustin, we named you for your greatness.  Your name has been passed down from my great-grandfather.  In the face of danger, you remained cool and calm, I admire you for that. You were healthy and strong, with perfect little hands and feet. .  You were cute and handsome with my nose.  You probably would’ve acted more like mommy as well.    Reserved but opinionated, your greatness would show in everything you do.  I bet your sister would tease you about being 2 hours older and drive you crazy with girl stuff sometimes.  You would look up to your big half-brother Dominick and want to play sports or get advice.  To see you all grow up together was a beautiful dream.

Living life without has been very difficult, I find myself lost without you.  Even though you were only 16 weeks gestation, we were getting ready for you both and had most things planned out.  Now those plans are gone and all we can plan are memorials for you.  Our lives have and will never been the same.  I know Auntie Jayne is taking such good care you in heaven and as she would have here on Earth.  Rest in peace, my little angels, we love you forever. 

Where did all the time go?

It has been a really long time since I last posted on this blog, almost a year.  Which also reminds me that it has almost been a year since Angeline and Augustin died.  Every month, every yucky af, and every new bfp that people I know have are constant reminders that they are not with me and my family.  If they were born on their due date (June 21) they would be about 6 months old now: crawling around the house and being busy little bees. But they were born too soon and died too soon and now we are left with memories of what could have been.  This holiday season is a little bizarre.  We are thankful for health and live and love, but there is that undercurrent of sadness.  Too much has happened this year that don’t warrant feelings of joy.

1. My dear Auntie suddenly died on 2/29.  She lived far away and I didn’t get to grow up with her all the time, but whenever we visited, she always care for us and treated me like one of her kids.  She was only 48 yrs old and healthy.  She never woke up from a minor surgery that was elective, not emergent.  I  last saw her Summer of 2007.  She flew thousands of miles to come to my wedding and gave a beautiful speech at the reception in Oct. 2005.  And she was gonna help me and my husband take care of the babies for about 6 months.  Now she is watching them in heaven.

2.  In April: on 4/12 there was a baby shower that was supposed to be for me and 2 other coworkers.  We were all preg at the same time and I lost my twins on 1-9-08 at 16 weeks.  People kept asking me if I was still going to the party, but I said no way. The day of the party I went to work that night and after the party was over people still asked if I went.  I’m not into torture!  However, my friend that threw the party bought me two teddy bears to honor the kids.  She understood that I couldn’t go even though she spent a long time planning and promoting the party.  She brought some leftover candy/favors to work, it was tough to see, but I put on a brave face and marvelled at how cute everything was. Still freaking sucked! I almost cried that day.

 -Then on 4/14 there was a memorial service for all the losses at the hospital. My husband and mother went with me.  It was beautiful with candles and time to give personal reflections with speeches, singing, crying, and hugging. All of women helped support each other and some ladies announced their new pregnancies, which gave some hope. One lady I sat next to had 4 m/c and was finally 32 weeks along, her friend came to support her.  It was nice because it was like the funeral I never got to have for them.  I got up to the podium and said a letter/poem as a speech to Angeline and Augustin.  A lot of people gave me kudos for being strong enough to say my speech and that my kids would be proud. 

 

3.  On May 29, I had a surprise positive pregnancy test since I was still so sure that I don’t ovulate on my own. Super excited but anxious I had the hpt confirmed and my hcg was 37, low but + We went to a party and concert that weekend and by Wednesday I started spotting/bleeding and officially miscarried on 6/5, hcg < 2.   That HURT like hell because I was so excited and told my folks and my husband’s folks and then had to tell them it was over.  I named this baby Adrien.  Back to square one.

 

-For months my husband and I were healing and trying to decide when to do infertility treatments again.  Something about this year wasn’t quite right, but I wanted to get preg right away and my husband didn’t think that was a good idea.  Nature didn’t think so either.  Haven’t gotten pregnant naturally since Adrien and it’s been 6 months. 

 

4. Husband and I decided to have a baby by the end of 2009 and felt like we were emotionally ready to try the tech way to baby-making.  I went for my labs: fsh  = 6 (great!) but tsh was 4.5, too high to make babies.  So my RE won’t do the IUI until I fix the subclinical case of hypothyroidism.  My FP was nice enough to retest the lab (4.2 the last time) and put me on synthroid 50 mcg.  Now I’m on that and metformin 1000 mg bid.  The hypothyroidism could be another reason why infertility has plagued me for 3 years. Now I’m a pill popping fiend!

 5. Lastly, we found out 2 days after Thanksgiving that my dear Uncle suddenly died.  We were not related by blood and pretty close.  He and his wife used to babysit me and my brother 20 years ago and our families have been close ever since.  I went to prom with his son and his daughter and I are very close friends.  She was the first person to really care for me and visit me after I lost the twins and went to Disneyland with me to cheer me up.  I last saw Uncle in September during a party for my mom.  I still cry every now and then about his death and about having to help prepare the family for the funeral traditions.  Culture plays a huge role in everything and I have to my cousin through it all.  Grief is ever present.