Where did all the time go?

It has been a really long time since I last posted on this blog, almost a year.  Which also reminds me that it has almost been a year since Angeline and Augustin died.  Every month, every yucky af, and every new bfp that people I know have are constant reminders that they are not with me and my family.  If they were born on their due date (June 21) they would be about 6 months old now: crawling around the house and being busy little bees. But they were born too soon and died too soon and now we are left with memories of what could have been.  This holiday season is a little bizarre.  We are thankful for health and live and love, but there is that undercurrent of sadness.  Too much has happened this year that don’t warrant feelings of joy.

1. My dear Auntie suddenly died on 2/29.  She lived far away and I didn’t get to grow up with her all the time, but whenever we visited, she always care for us and treated me like one of her kids.  She was only 48 yrs old and healthy.  She never woke up from a minor surgery that was elective, not emergent.  I  last saw her Summer of 2007.  She flew thousands of miles to come to my wedding and gave a beautiful speech at the reception in Oct. 2005.  And she was gonna help me and my husband take care of the babies for about 6 months.  Now she is watching them in heaven.

2.  In April: on 4/12 there was a baby shower that was supposed to be for me and 2 other coworkers.  We were all preg at the same time and I lost my twins on 1-9-08 at 16 weeks.  People kept asking me if I was still going to the party, but I said no way. The day of the party I went to work that night and after the party was over people still asked if I went.  I’m not into torture!  However, my friend that threw the party bought me two teddy bears to honor the kids.  She understood that I couldn’t go even though she spent a long time planning and promoting the party.  She brought some leftover candy/favors to work, it was tough to see, but I put on a brave face and marvelled at how cute everything was. Still freaking sucked! I almost cried that day.

 -Then on 4/14 there was a memorial service for all the losses at the hospital. My husband and mother went with me.  It was beautiful with candles and time to give personal reflections with speeches, singing, crying, and hugging. All of women helped support each other and some ladies announced their new pregnancies, which gave some hope. One lady I sat next to had 4 m/c and was finally 32 weeks along, her friend came to support her.  It was nice because it was like the funeral I never got to have for them.  I got up to the podium and said a letter/poem as a speech to Angeline and Augustin.  A lot of people gave me kudos for being strong enough to say my speech and that my kids would be proud. 

 

3.  On May 29, I had a surprise positive pregnancy test since I was still so sure that I don’t ovulate on my own. Super excited but anxious I had the hpt confirmed and my hcg was 37, low but + We went to a party and concert that weekend and by Wednesday I started spotting/bleeding and officially miscarried on 6/5, hcg < 2.   That HURT like hell because I was so excited and told my folks and my husband’s folks and then had to tell them it was over.  I named this baby Adrien.  Back to square one.

 

-For months my husband and I were healing and trying to decide when to do infertility treatments again.  Something about this year wasn’t quite right, but I wanted to get preg right away and my husband didn’t think that was a good idea.  Nature didn’t think so either.  Haven’t gotten pregnant naturally since Adrien and it’s been 6 months. 

 

4. Husband and I decided to have a baby by the end of 2009 and felt like we were emotionally ready to try the tech way to baby-making.  I went for my labs: fsh  = 6 (great!) but tsh was 4.5, too high to make babies.  So my RE won’t do the IUI until I fix the subclinical case of hypothyroidism.  My FP was nice enough to retest the lab (4.2 the last time) and put me on synthroid 50 mcg.  Now I’m on that and metformin 1000 mg bid.  The hypothyroidism could be another reason why infertility has plagued me for 3 years. Now I’m a pill popping fiend!

 5. Lastly, we found out 2 days after Thanksgiving that my dear Uncle suddenly died.  We were not related by blood and pretty close.  He and his wife used to babysit me and my brother 20 years ago and our families have been close ever since.  I went to prom with his son and his daughter and I are very close friends.  She was the first person to really care for me and visit me after I lost the twins and went to Disneyland with me to cheer me up.  I last saw Uncle in September during a party for my mom.  I still cry every now and then about his death and about having to help prepare the family for the funeral traditions.  Culture plays a huge role in everything and I have to my cousin through it all.  Grief is ever present.