Husb is now in Texas for a fam reunion and some much needed vacation time. Before he left, we made up and realized we both hurt each other but still love each other deeply. We still haven’t been fully intimate but kissing, hugging, and hand-holding can make up for make up sex.

I wanted him to leave at ease. He did a pretty good job getting to the airport on time and not overly stressed. He is notorius for missing flights. He is safe and hanging out with family he hasn’t seen in years. He’s now in vacation mode and even though he wishes Dom and I were there, this solo trip is giving him peace and tranquility. He only has to worry about when to finally get out of bed and to check in daily. Nice!
Not working is no vacation for me. I want to go on a pre-baby trip at a hotel and casino near here with a spa. Maybe catch a show. That would be nice. I know I need it.

I’m pissed at my husb.  He’s pissed at me.  It’s the story of our lives right now. We had a fight last night, for like 4 hours of him bitching about how I’m an Ice Queen. 

I don’t show him any “love” and don’t even want to try.   He claims that we love spending time together and have no problem there but it’s the bedroom that is lacking. In order to feel love and appreciated, he needs that.  The doctors said no sex since I was 9 weeks due to bleeding.  He hit my cervix and it bled.  Then I had the surgery to stitch my cervix closed since I almost lost the baby so no more sex.  The appt with Dr S when I was 21 weeks, husb asked if we could do it now, doc said ”there is a risk for infection and the stitches are sharp, you might get hurt.”  Husb still wanted to try.  You dumb ass, I’m not risking this baby for your man-needs!  So he backed off.  He still wanted “kisses” without giving me my back rub and I refused, trying to show him that if I’m not gonna get some love too, then forget it.  Why does it have to be about what he wants. 

He says to compromise.  I’m not compromising the health of my baby.  I’m don’t want to risk getting an infection, going into preterm labor, and being forced to deliver this baby now.  She’ll be on a ventilator with IV lines and feeding tubes. He says she’s viable, things will work out.  What the hell?!  I sometimes wonder if he even cares whether or not we have a child together. He says “if it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t meant to be.”  That kind of attitude, get’s NO LOVE.

He says he’s been with me through all my depression caused by infertility and the miscarriages.  That he’s been supportive, more like telling me I need to chill out and that I’m crazy.  He’s been patient with this process and feels like he’s not getting any of the love back.  Excuse me, who was there through all the crap with Dom and his bio-mom, who was there to help him with a lot of other shit that he was stressing out about.   He got what he wanted, his son.  Now I want my daughter.  I have been stressing out about this pregnancy from the beginning and he thinks an orgasm is what I need to feel better.  WHAT I NEED is my daughter to be born healthy and alive.  WHAT I NEED is a husb that understands that if I say I want a massage to make me feel better, then that’s what I should get instead of having to fight over the fact that I’m limiting myself since the doc never said I couldn’t get some “kisses” of my own.  I don’t want “kisses” because I don’t want contractions!  He thinks that’s why the shots are done to keep away the contractions. But orgasmic contractions can’t be stopped!

He keeps making it about what he thinks is best.  I should just listen to him.  He won’t steer me wrong.  Yeah, right.  If I end up in the hospital and they ask what happened, like a dumb ass, I’ll have to say we did x-y-z which was against doctor’s orders. No way.  I’ll listen and make my own conclusion.  I’m not gonna follow someone that doesn’t really know about how the body works. He’s so willing to take chances it’s scary. Too scary.

I have no desire to do anything sexual, but he keeps insisting I do it for him.  What he’s suggesting, I won’t mention, but I am so against and completely repulsed by the thought.  But if I do it for him then at least he’ll be happy.  NO. I may be a bad wife for not compromising, but I’ll be damned if I do something that I really don’t want to do to. It’s like him saying it would really make him happy if I jumped off a bridge and I don’t mean bungee style.  Should I do it because he’ll be happy? We all do things we don’t want to do to please our mates, but come on!  There has to be a limit. I have done enough compromising during this fertility process. I’ve compromised my feeling of womanhood my pride, and my sense of normalcy! I have to deal with watching his child grow up and wondering if I’ll ever have my own.

We’re so close to having this baby, I’m 26w3d along. Why change something if it’s working.  The regimen that I’m on now is working fine, why introduce new and possibly problematic things?!

He’s leaving tomorrow for his 10 day trip.  Counseling would be good when he comes back.

Now I know my opinion doesn’t really matter in the situation, but I just can’t keep this to myself.

Debbie Rowe has some nerve! This chick decided she wanted to hand her babies off to Michael Jackson and walk away with millions and now that he is dead, she wants to claim the kids after not being a mom for like 11 years?

 His mom knows them way better than she does. In no way, shape, or form did Michael want Debbie to be involved in those kids lives as shown by his will. Who knows if they even know that she is their birth mother. She left them behind! She could’ve easily decided when he was alive that she wanted visitation or something along those lines, but she took the money instead. He must have put a gun to her head and told her to “hand me them babies, you human incubator!” He could’ve had any woman in the world make him some babies and probably have that woman “made to disappear” to avoid custody issues, but her crazy ass volunteered.

Now she wants full custody. And she’ll take the third one too to keep the kids from being separated. What the hell?!!

Today I got to babysit lil’ G, she is 2.5 months old and cute as hell.  A, my crazy friend, is her mom and needed me to watch her for a few hours so she could run some errands and do some cleaning.  Great practice! She came at 0930 and picked her up at 1:15p.  I got to change her little diaper, feed her formula, burp her, and get her sleeping again.  She’s ADORABLE.  I could tell she was hungry because she was smacking her lips, sucking on her hand, and then started to cry a little. But that was the only time she cried.  I hadn’t held her in over a month.  I haven’t changed a baby’s diaper in years, maybe not since nursing school.  It was AWESOME. 

 A was so thankful I could watch her.  I was so thankful to get some practice. I told her anytime, I’ve got nothing to do all day!

Last week was a busy one, my husband’s cousin was coming to town for business but wanted to hang with us for a few days.  So we had a hell-of-a time getting the guest room ready for her.  The house was a mess for like 2 days trying to go through what we don’t need and reorganize.  Since we’re renting rooms from my folks, it doesn’t always make for lots of space to put our things.  My parents have been great letting us save tons of $ for our infertility treatments and our future dream home. Anyway, I was packing stuff in big plastic bins and my husb had to put them in storage.  I think I packed at least 6 bins full.  But the guest room was beautiful when finished and there’s tons of space for MeMe now.  Also, pops was painting the kitchen and left the downstairs a mess, so thankfully mom cleaned that for me. 

We took our cousin shopping and to the County Fair to walk around and get some of that yummy fair food.  Very fun! But all that walking made me almost need to be carried home!  My feet were burning. Husb was walking too fast at times and I had to yell at him to slow down. He calls me “roley poley” and said that while I was walking, it was the first time I really looked pregnant.  He was soooo proud and keeps rubbing my tummy. Cousin said I still look heavier than normal, but could get away with not looking pregnant.  The only thing is that I wish I got something personalized like engraving or airbrushing, but there’s always next year.

I had an appt. with Dr. S.  on Monday, this time I went by myself.  BP great with weight up 4 lbs in 4 weeks (I weigh as much now as I weighed at 16 weeks with the twins). Dr. S. checked MeMe’s heartbeat via US and she gave us another shot of her bottom.  Definitely a girl.  He left it up to me to check my cervix.  Yes, please.  So he used the coochie-cam and could see it’s still long and closed measuring a good 4 cm.  He’s very pleased at my progress and told me to continue light activity.  I asked if I could go back to my regular OB after 28 weeks and he said that at this point there is less chance of complications and that it’s totally up to me.  He is comfortable letting me go.  I’m going to have one more appt. on 7/23 at 28w4d and do another 1 hr glucose screen, which I passed the first time.  Dr S is awesome, but these appts are boring and the drive down there is not fun, especially if I’m gonna be doing it every 2 weeks until the stitches are cut. I’d rather see Dr M and know that I will deliver at the hospital I work at which is very close to the house. If I stay with Dr S, I would have to go to a hospital like 45 miles down south where I had my cerclage done.  I only want to go there if I deliver super early (like between now and 30w). 

So with all this cleaning and painting, it got me and husb really wanting to set down some roots and buy a house.  I want us to move northeast where the houses are big and cheap, but he wants to stay here by the beach.  If we move up and out, I would have a 30-35 mile commute and can always drop MeMe off here so mom could watch her.  If we stay here, my commute is like 5 minutes and the convenience of seeing grandma and grandpa all the time is great.  But I think we can still drive down here on the weekends or they can come see us since it’s not like we’ll be 2 hrs away.  I will need my mom to watch the baby at least once a week due to my and husb’s work schedules.  So, I’ve been daydreaming and drooling over these fabulous houses and husb wants to keep checking around here where the houses are smaller, older, and expensive.  Boo! 

Husb finally b0ught his plane ticket, but he’s going alone.  He decided it was best to leave Dom behind with his mom, especially if he might be sick.  But I also think it’s because he wants one last freedom-trip before baby comes.  As long as he doesn’t do anything stupid that will cost us $$, then I’m cool with it.  He’ll be gone for 10 days.  During the time he’s gone, my aunt is coming to stay here and I’ll be doing some driving tours with her.  This is her first time in the U.S and in California, so it’ll be fun taking her around. Plus I don’t think she knows I’m pregnant so she’ll get a nice surprise.  My mom has been tight lipped about it, but finally told 2 of her friends at work.

One last thing, mom gave me my 17-P shot yesterday and hit a blood vessel.  I bled all over my new white/grey dress.  She freaked out, but it finally stopped. It was the first time she’s done that in years so I think it hurt her pride.  It’s okay, the medicine is in and that’s all that matters.

Yesterday was so sad. The clouds rolled in on such a beautiful day after the knowledge of Michael Jackson’s demise. I hope he is at peace. Stars that bright burn out so sudden and so fast. It just doesn’t feel right.

His voice and music was amazing! I grew up watching all his videos. Remember Captain Eo at Disneyland, I loved loved loved that show. I had the poster by my bed and kissed it every night before I went to sleep. I thought the photos on the Thriller album were so hot.

I found out he was hospitalized on the net and turned on the tv to see he died! My cuz’s and my jaw dropped in shock!

I hope the sick bastard that took a pic of him intubated on a stretcher and sold it to media burns in hell. That’s really not right.

Too too sad.

17-p = 17-hydroxyprogesterone caproate. A synthetic progesterone mixed in a thick greasy oil that I inject every week.  Good stuff.  Oh, 17-P, I love thee and here is why:

1. It makes for a relaxed and happy uterus = no PTL.

2. It keeps my cervix from shortening.

3. Baby gets to keep growing in a safer environment = finally have a viable baby!

4. The soreness and twinges of pain that accompany every shot (no matter where I put it) = no pain no gain!

5. Itchy ass-cheeks from all the injections back there. Very irritating to the tissues (I’m scratching right now).

6. It is something to look forward to every week which means a week closer to term.

7. I know I’m doing and enduring what’s best for my baby.

Here’s a belly pic at 24w1d

Now if only I could get rid of these hip joint/groin pains. Then I’d be rrrreeeealllllly happy.

Miss MeMe is now 24w0d! A super awesome achievement! We wouldn’t have made it this far without the help of the cerclage and 17P shots, which started 8 weeks ago.

But as great as this milestone is, MeMe needs to keep baking. Micro-preemies are so fragile; that’s a hard life for a baby. I don’t fear my water breaking so much, but I do fear infection, placental abruption or cord entanglement. She can stay home and kick me all she wants. I love my MeMe!

Next milestone is Tiny-preemie Viability at 28 weeks. You can do it lil mama!

Yesterday was a throwback to 2007.

Husb was upset that I was resting on the couch and not playing with Dom. Dom is still sick. He wasn’t vocal, just gave me attitude all day. He was doing laundry and something on the internet for hours.

He has a trip to plan by july 9th to TX for a fam reunion and he hasn’t booked the flight for him and Dom. He’s stressing out. Get the damn tickets already or let me handle it. I hate when he travels, he gets all weird before he leaves. Mom has observed it and thinks it is a type of anxiety. Maybe.

Anyway, I gave Dom his laundry to put away. I left the room for a few minutes and brought back something else and he didn’t do anything but stare at the tv. What the hell! That was it. No more tv or any screen for the day (it was 4pm and he’s been up since 8am). He put away the clothes and was aimless. Play with your toys. He decided to jump on an inflatable sword. Your toys, dude, use them or they go to kids with no toys. Of course, he looks miserable trying to play with his cars. Daddy comes in and tells him to use his learning computer. No more screens! I told husb I set some rules and he just overruled me. “He’s too old for those toys and they need batteries” husb says. He needs to use his imagination, not batteries! Well, lose the toys if he can’t use them becuz we need space for the baby. This is a fight I’m not gonna do when MeMe is here. Dom tries his toys for a few more min and decides to play his Wii. Nope turn it off. Color a picture, read your books, do a puzzle, something other than Wii. He played the Wii earlier in the day so guess what, he drew a picture of the tv screen when he plays a baseball game. No imagination. Make daddy a father’s day card. See how he has to be instructed 100%. Scary! He gets bored again and starts messing with his money in the piggy bank of all the things to play with. Just hopeless.

And I look like an EVIL stepmom. He doesn’t like me becuz I push him to strive for more than the highest score on the Wii or waiting for next tv show.

Daddy went to a friend’s house and stayed out all night. Asshole, how about a family game night! Or some time with me since he spends most of his wake hours with Dom when he’s here.

I don’t need this stress. Husb is a loving father, but moody as hell. If he wants Dom to live with us, I get to parent any way I see fit. Me and MeMe are gonna chill, I’ll be 24 weeks tomorrow,yay!.

****Warning, this post isn’t very nice, so stop reading if negativity bothers you****

This week is daddy’s week with Dom and then his mom will take him for two weeks on some kind of vacation.  Then every other week until school starts, he’s back with us.  Joy.  This is the schedule my husb worked out in court and he’s happy.  While my husb was fighting this out, I was trying to have a baby with no luck.  Imagine the frustration on my part. 

Ever since my husb and I were married, he’s been focused on getting visitations. His other baby-mama, let’s call her “The Bitch,” decided to play custody games while we were dating.  “You’ll never see him again” was her favorite thing to say to my husb.  Pretty damn cruel, you triflin’ Bitch.  She’s the one that cheated and put the doubt of paternity in my husb’s head.  So of course once that was settled, he’s was gonna want his child.  Duh.  If the experience was easier from the start, I think the whole situation would’ve been better.  I sat on the sidelines not too sure what was gonna happen. 

When he got some custody, it was after years of just me and him.  Imagine the shock to our relationship.  I had a health scare with PID right before our wedding and was told it could affect my fertility.  So our course we decided let’s try to make a baby right after all the antibiotics did their job.  That was oct. 2005.  Month after month of periods and then trying to bond with a 3 year old that only wanted his mommy all the time.  Talk about stress.  I cried.  I screamed.  My husb and I fought over everything. I would tell Dom something and my husb would come in and say the opposite.  So any authority I had was useless.  I hated that.  He wanted to me be more affectionate and call The Bitch every once in a while to have pow wows about Dom.  That ain’t happening. 

Dom would come over every week with a cold.  Bronchial coughing, sniffles, sneezes, the works.  Now being a nurse, germs are extremely yucky.  I had to sanitize everything and I would never want to give him hugs because he was always sick and cough all over the place.  Now I know kids get sick playing at preschool, but the fact that I didn’t know what he was exposed to made it worse.  (At least with MeMe, she’ll be with us 99.9% of the time so if she’s sick, I’ll mostly know where it came from). 

Anyway, my husb and I grew apart as I noticed we were striving for different things.  I was trying to get pregnant and he was all about working with his lawyer.  I didn’t get much attention.  After a year of no pregnancies, I went to a fertility seminar and did some testing. My mom was given a business card of a fertility center by a patient that had success and she suggested I check them out.  It was cost us out of pocket $ to do, but I was gung-ho about doing it.  My husb wasn’t as thrilled. He was happy with his son and felt that I should be just as content being a stepmom.  It was an ongoing battle because I was upset that he was only thinking about getting what he wanted. Our goals were completely different.

 I started having waves of anxiety whenever it was a visitation weekend.  One day, I was crying and my mom helped me find a counselor.  I saw one about 5 times, she tried to get me to see that a child didn’t give me anxiety, it was my husb’s behavior when the child was there.  She gave me pointers on how to bond with Dom, which didn’t really work.  She went on vacation and I never went back.  I guess me and husb should’ve saw her together.  Anyway, we made it to the fertility center after my husb dragged his feet and finally focused on having our own baby. My husb was afraid that there would be a divide between the love for my kids and his son, like what happened between his father and half-brother.  Biology is no joke.

My observations of Dom:

Dom has a mellow temperment.  He doesn’t run around and isn’t unruly breaking stuff. 

He’s quiet, shy, and it can be like pulling teeth to have a conversation with him. We finally told him about the baby and he smiled. How do you feel about having another baby to play with? “I don’t know.” Are you happy? “I guess.”

He lacks imagination sometimes and I bet it is because of all the TV and video games.  Husb bought him a Vtech, Vsmile and now the Wii.  He prefers to spend his time in front of a screen.

 He doesn’t play with his toys unless you tell him to.  That’s weird to me.  I always say let’s give them to less fortunate kids through Goodwill or send them to Ghana.

He doesn’t play outside on a beautiful sunny day unless you force him. 

He just started playing with the kid across the street after months of prompting.

He misses things right in front of him, I have a feeling he’ll need glasses like my husb did as a kid.

If you don’t tell him what to do, he’s aimless.  He’ll sit in the dark talking to himself.  My husb hates to see him bored and is constantly trying to stimulate him (even if it means putting him in front of a screen).  I don’t do that.  I think he’s old enough to know how to entertain himself or say “can I go to the park” or “go ride my bike” or “do you want to play a game.” His mom has so many kids in her house that I bet he’s bullied by his brothers and they tell him what to do.

And guess what, he’s sick this week.  Bronchial coughing, sneezing, sniffles, just like the olden days.  Yuck.  So unfortunately, I don’t get too close because I don’t want to get sick while pregnant.  Hopefully after this week, it’ll be gone unless he keeps getting germs from The Bitch’s house.

I’m definitely learning from the mistakes made raising Dom.